Holy Fucking Shirtballs — We Finally Fucking Did It!
There were doubters. We know there were. A million people passed by this site and said:
"They'll never get that zine off the ground. Who would read articles about products that they no longer offer? Why would anyone care about anything that happen before right now — right at this moment where I'm eating a hotdog in a sundress at a bar mitzvah. Everything else is superfluous nonsense compared to today and the future, where we will live on the beaches of Neptune under the grace of Elon Musk and his seven-thousand-brood."
Well, before you break into your "All Hail the Geometric Emperor of Man"...
Lets crack open our new endeavor — written word in page format interspersed with mother fucking advertising!
I Can't Get No... Desperation
I'm a big fan...
False advertising! We're nothing but. We've got a full on collection of desperation. Tags on. Fresh in the box.
We were mobbed at a Walmart and offered a paltry sum on account of the mint condition of our desperation.
In our inaugural 'Zine, wherein we stretch out on your chaise lounge, we present you with several content options griping about how hard this pretty much is. A reminder of what its like to live on the fringe — the edges of the roast beef curling upward as you cook it on the dash of your sad-ass Geo Metro.
That straight-three motor of yours ain't even gonna get that meat above Carpaccio-rare motherfucker so, like make like Bob Seger and TURN THE PAGE!
What an absolutely fantastic experience we have planned for you this month. In our inaugural CatBagz.com Magazine, May 2026 Edition, we explain ourselves. To you, no less.
I Can't Get No... Desperation | CatBagz | Summer 2026 Volume
Welcome to Early Onset Feudalism!
READ THE ZINE →DESPERATE TIMES
I read this and my depression went sideways! (Didn't get better.)
We posted about DESPERATE TIMES once before, but this time it's more than just a cheap shot. It's a full on multi-page interactive deep dive into, well, you'll just have to thumb through it.
Welcome to Zine Town, baby, in all its incomprehensible glory.
Scooter's Cat Bag Round-Up
Maybe you came here because someone told you we sold cat-faced bags on the cheap. Was that person a Christmas Ghost? Cause that shit ain't happen since gruel was less than fifty dollars.
Well maybe you got a couple square pegs (miscellaneous currency) for this round hole (our bank account) and would like something (a cat-faced purse) for your trouble (your intense feeling of remorse for clicking that link you thought was funny on the internet).
Scooter here. While we can't ethically source any more cat-faced bags for your consumption, we've found some buyers who have clearly methically sourced them otherwise.
And let me tell you — we've used our best technology at CatBagz HQ (what remains of a K*Mart that no one seems to care about) to streamline our endeavor.
Lets take a look!
Scooter's Cat Bag Round-Up
Get ready for summer with this selection of things I found on the god damn internet.
READ THE ZINE →Well good news. All proceeds go to helping out this sad-sack pay the rent on his bundle of twigs in the upper-east side. Upper-east side of what, you may ask?
Later, bitches.