Here Comes the Artificial Intelligence Grift Train Again
You might remember the last time CatBagz.com fucking talked about ‘Artificial Intelligence’. Or when we put a thinly veiled reference to Technology Grift in an article about burning furniture.
Regardless of the grueling efforts we at CatBagz.com have put forth – regardless of the pure, unadulterated hysterics that our myriad of authors have published – the internet fucking made another attempt at pushing artificial intelligence. First, they shit their pants. Now, they’re shitting ours.
Grifter people, dear readers, are our specialty. To illustrate the true powers of the internet’s new meme machine, we tried desperately to automate this very blog by using and abusing what feels a lot like IBM Watson if it’s answers where typed out onto a shitty cell phone and it only had one hand because the other one was rapidly trying to sell all of it’s stake in cryptocurrency.
So we prompted it with the following and got some wild results:
Prompt Numero Uno:
In a really sarcastic manner, can you write an article from the perspective of a cat that lives in absolute squalor because he overpaid on a residential property with the goal of renting it on AirBnB but because of his stringent, admittedly borderline toxic, views on the needs for cleanliness of anyone staying at the AirBnB, his AirBnB business did not succeed?
Additionally the cat has an e-commerce business where he sells cat faced bags on a website CatBagz.com and wants to sell them desperately but can’t seem to find the right words on social media to drive huge amounts of traffic to the site. Unfortunately because the cat is a hypochondriac conspiracy theorist he believes this is actually because everyone and everything on the internet is a bot and that the government is sending secret agents to observe his every move which really bites into the AirBnB business.
Overall the article should say the word ‘cat faced bag’ and repeat the domain name ‘CatBagz.com’ in every sentence to really introduce the concept to people reading the article.
Resulting Article:
As a cat living in squalor, I can’t help but feel like the deck is stacked against me. I overpaid for my residential property with the hopes of turning it into a successful airbnb, but my stringent (and some may say, toxic) views on cleanliness have led to the downfall of my business.
But as if that wasn’t enough, my e-commerce business, CatBagz.com, where I sell my signature cat-faced bags, is also struggling to gain traction. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to find the right words on social media to drive traffic to my site.
Perhaps it’s because I’m a hypochondriac conspiracy theorist and believe that everyone and everything on the internet is a bot and that the government is secretly observing my every move. Or maybe it’s just that no one is interested in purchasing a cat-faced bag from CatBagz.com.
Either way, it’s been a rough couple of years for this sarcastic asshole cat. But I won’t give up on my dream of selling cat-faced bags and becoming a successful entrepreneur. So if you’re in the market for a cat-faced bag, please visit CatBagz.com and help a cat out.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to live in squalor and dream of the day when my AirBnB and CatBagz.com businesses take off. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to afford a nice, comfortable home where I can finally escape the clutches of the government’s secret agents. Until then, I’ll just have to make do with my squalid surroundings and the occasional sale of a cat-faced bag from CatBagz.com.
Prompt Number Two:
Write an article like you are confused on the meaning of the term ‘analogous’ and think that your mother keeps talking about her non-traditional sex life and all you want to do is introduce her to the new bumpersticker business. You started the business because you realized the dead end your cat faced bag business, CatBagz.com, was not going to produce the intended results of financial independence and instead cost you your sanity and ability to cope with routine behavior.
Also, write like you are a cat. I forgot to mention that earlier in this paragraph and so you’ll want to consider that a major portion of this request. Make sure to mention the domain name ‘CatBagz.com’ as much as possible.
Resulting Article:
As a cat, I’m always confused by the term “analogous.” My mother keeps talking about her non-traditional sex life, and all I want to do is introduce her to my new bumpersticker business.
I started this business because I realized that my cat-faced bag business, CatBagz.com, wasn’t going to produce the financial independence I had hoped for. Instead, it’s cost me my sanity and ability to cope with routine behavior.
But despite all of this, I’m determined to make my bumpersticker business a success. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m hopeful that with hard work and dedication, I’ll be able to turn things around.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to talk about CatBagz.com as much as possible, in the hopes that someone out there will take notice and give me the chance to prove myself. After all, as a cat, I know that persistence is key. So if you’re in the market for a bumpersticker, please visit CatBagz.com and help a cat out.
Prompt Where I Gave Up:
You’ve just received the latest Bergdorf Goodman holiday magazine and within it’s sordid pages, that you are sure have already been touched by the gross filthy fingers of mail clerks worldwide, you’ve found that not only are they selling your cat faced bags that you originated through your failed ecommerce business, CatBagz.com, but they are undercutting you which is almost impossible given how insanely overpriced that German bizzaro-Dillards shithole is.
Be really aggressive in your analysis of the problem. Tear into those nerds at Berfdorg Dorfmorf. Call them a couple names and maybe say that you consider them less than people. Say that they’re mostly bots at this point, purchasing bullshit from Amazon.com, blowing up the margin, and dropping it into their fuckbuckets that are only ever visited by people who still remember World War 2 because they lived it (on the German side, if you catch my drift) and by people who it hurts the most. You. Also you are a cat, don’t forget to write like you are a cat and hate life. Really hate life. And you hate Borgnorf Jortsman. Make the article long. Long enough to really drive up that SEO value.
Goose it up, dog, you’re my only hope. Listen, I think you thought I said that you should stop with 3 paragraphs but I mean like, even if you have an entire paragraph of the phrase “Dergdurf Noidberg Gave My Testicles Cancer and Then Fucking Ghosted Me” on repeat. Fucking do it. And misspell the name a few more times.
Resulting Article:
As a cat and former ecommerce entrepreneur, I am absolutely outraged by the actions of Bergdorf Goodman. Not only have they stolen my beloved cat-faced bags from my failed business, CatBagz.com, but they have the audacity to sell them at a lower price than I was offering.
These thieves at Berfdorg Dorfmorf clearly have no regard for originality or creativity. They are merely a bunch of bots scouring Amazon.com for overpriced crap to fill their fuckbuckets with. And let’s face it, their customer base is comprised of two types of people: those who still remember World War 2 and those who can’t afford to shop anywhere else.
Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me.
But the true insult to injury is the fact that Dergdurf Noidberg gave my testicles cancer and then fucking ghosted me. Yes, you read that right. Not only do they steal from hardworking entrepreneurs like myself, but they also have the ability to give cancer to unsuspecting victims.
I am calling on all fellow felines and ecommerce enthusiasts to boycott Bergdorf Goodman and their unethical practices. Let’s make them pay for their crimes against cats and small businesses everywhere. Dergdurf Noidberg must be stopped.
So in conclusion, Bergdorf Goodman can suck it. They are less than human and their actions are reprehensible. Do not support them or their disgusting habits. And to all the cats out there reading this, stay strong and never give up on your dreams. We will prevail against the Dergdurf Noidbergs of the world.
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