September 23, 2021
Some days your life gets along like a couch on fire.

Sometimes a Couch On Fire Is Just a Couch On Fire

A Cheap Metaphor On Modern Technology Advances in the Pre-Apocalyptic Age

First of all, welcome everyone to our brief press summit on the topic of major advances in couches.
Without further ado, I present to you our latest achievement.
That appears to be a couch, Theodore.
Not just any couch, members of the press. While physically similar to a couch, for example it has cushions and arm rests and says it was made by La-Z-Boy, you must realize that this couch represents several huge advances in couch technology. Watch.
You appear to have set the couch on fire.
No no, that is what you are perceiving. We wouldn’t be us if this wasn’t important. We’ve pushed the boundaries of couch-ness. We’ve developed a new way to couch. We’ve put a ton of money into this and now you, fine people of earth, are going to absolutely use this new couch technology in the future.
I’m not seeing it. It is just a burning couch.
You’re failing to see the couch for the flames. First of all, it keeps you warm. Very warm. For a solid period of time.
I think I can do that with an area heater.
Can you also light up rooms with an area heater? I think not. Did you watch the YouTube video where this couch participated in a game of Family Feud? That is absolutely a crowning achievement.
Can this couch answer questions?
Well, kinda. You sorta have to have a smart person sit on it and answer the questions you ask it. Have I told you about the swatches?
It comes in different colors?
Houndstooth, yes, but like, its a really inventive way to houndstooth. Its inverted houndstooth so the little weird blocky shapes are actually the underlying color, you see. Super new neat stuff here.
So, like, how do you see this being used?
That is up to you, dear viewer. How will you use this new technology. Here, let me show you a video of the couch being sat on by famous writer George R. R. Martin. He is super famous. Did you hear him say that this couch seems pretty good?
What about this video where reanimated president Kennedy has some witty banter about spaceships and how we’re going to travel through space soon. Did you catch where the couch was sending us to Mars?
Can this couch actually send us to Mars?
No, but I can’t imagine a future where there isn’t a couch on Mars, can you? You might as well buy into it now. Eventually, this couch will be on Mars.
Are you sending this couch to Mars?
We’re hoping to dupe rudderless companies run by ego crazed old money dirt skeletons to dump their money and put a couch on Mars.
Oh. Got anything else?
We’ve got an expensive couch technology show we want you to attend.
I think your couch fire is out.

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