April 10, 2021
Hot Sweet Mother of Fucking Colanders Title

Hot Sweet Mother of Fucking Colanders

What Were You Thinking, Humans?

TED! TED! TED! TED! TED! TED! TEDTEDTEDTEDTEDTEDTEDTED
Is this a Ted Alert?
That’s a darling pun but we have some serious shit we have to know — That we have to DEAL WITH KNOWING.
Is it some kind of new shopping deal?
It is definitely probably caused by rampant capitalism if that is your question.
It wasn’t but good to know. What is that smell?
The humans have burnt down their government. I’m watching it right now. They burned it down. There was some screaming and hat wearing.
Haven’t they been doing that for, like, some time now?
What they’ve been doing so far could be described as shitting and eating. And while they might have been doing more shitting than eating, they just crossed the boundary.
It is a capital crime to shit outside your litterbox.
Oh they’ve been doing that since the inception of the CIA. No, they just shit where they eat.
UGH. WHAT? WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
I’ve been keeping abreast of the subject. I know exactly the situation down to the most minute detail. I have sifted the largesse of modern knowledge and public discourse through the finest sieve, through the most delicate of sifters, and have objectively observed the truth.
Sounds both time consuming and expensive.
It is but nothing is more expensive than falling into a deft trap laid by your elders to catch you for the shame of not having done enough due diligence.
I think that’s both free and rampant, Theodore.
Well, Ted, in this case it would have cost us everything. Our very right to speak in public would have been stripped away, our ability to make meaningful choices dashed upon the rocks of gross authoritarianism. We would be nothing but bread-sucking, carnival-spectating, passion-starved human capital.
Insert mom joke here. So what’s the truth?
What?
Somewhere before you called us all muffin-slurping circus fans you said you had some sort of ultimate final truth that would make us, uh, not so tied to the lust of this mortal coil, I guess?
Oh yea, the sieve part. Anyway they’re super cheap at Amazon — both durable foldable plastic and stainless steel and ones for washing your rice (which Uncle Roger will tell you straight up not to do ever) and those hefty little crank-driven ones.
Wait, I thought this was specifically about how you’d found some kind of super-truth behind the gross displays of violence vis-a-vis the humans burning down their fancy old Greco-Roman styled government institution?
Yea I found it using those filtery-thingies up above.
You found what?
Well, I’m gonna tell you Ted, I spent a really long time — AN OBSESSIVE AMOUNT OF TIME — trying to understand this granule of truth. I washed it gently in waters filtered through salt stones promised to be from the Himalayas and then dried it using cheese-cloth promised to not be made from real cheese. And I’ve gotta tell you. I really don’t know what it is.
What? Like, is it in a different language? Is it like, hard to perceive visually with your face? What the hell do you mean, Theo?
It’s kinda whitish and small and bumpy but like, round-ish. Sora like a really hard pointy rock.
Theodore, I think that is a tooth.
Oh, neat. Alright, well that’s also a neat find. Whose tooth is this?
That is the real question here I think.
That is the real quandary here, isn’t it?

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