Look, I’m going to be honest with you because the esthetician who does my chemical peels says I need to practice "authentic vibration."
I am so profoundly exhausted by the whining.
Every time I open my feed, it’s just a parade of absolute tragedy. It's Drunk Cat crying about how his $14 toaster holds his sourdough hostage. It's Scooter eating drywall because the price of premium salmon pâté went up by forty cents. It’s a bunch of people who look like they buy their jewelry at a gas station complaining about something called "inflation."
Have you tried simply having more money?
Do you know what inflation is, sweetie? Inflation is the universe’s way of telling you that you aren’t hustling hard enough. If your fiat currency is losing purchasing power, maybe you shouldn't be relying on a centralized banking system designed for peasants.
You know what doesn't suffer from inflation? Downlines.
Instead of sitting in a studio apartment in Homestead that smells like regret and mildew, you could be taking control of your financial destiny. And that is why I am cordially inviting you to join the Feline Ascent Matrix (FAM).
Now, before the feds and the haters start throwing around words like "illegal" or "ponzi" or "multi-level marketing scheme," let me stop you right there. This is a triangular wealth redistribution ecosystem. It is a reverse-funnel empowerment structure.
It’s very simple.
Step 1: You purchase the Executive Starter Kit of Chardonnay’s Holistic Crystal Litter Box Supplements for a completely reasonable initial investment of $8,500. (If you can't afford this, max out a credit card. If you don't have a credit card, steal one from your grandmother. She's not using it; she's asleep in front of Wheel of Fortune.)
Step 2: You recruit five of your ugliest, most desperate friends to become your "Ascent Partners." They buy the kit from you.
Step 3: You sit by the pool in Boca Raton with a $40 mimosa while the passive income flows directly into your offshore account.
Inflation is the universe’s way of telling you that you aren’t hustling hard enough.
If you fail at this, it is not because the market is saturated or because eating crushed amethyst doesn't actually cure feline leukemia. It is because your mindset is toxic and you didn't manifest success hard enough. I manifested my penthouse. I manifested my gold garters. I manifested the restraining order against my ex-husband.
Stop complaining that groceries are expensive. If you were meant to eat groceries, you wouldn't be poor.
I have to go. My masseuse is here to aggressively knead the stress of acknowledging your existence out of my hairless, perfectly moisturized shoulders.
Link in bio to join my downline. No poor people allowed.
