July 29, 2021
Inquisitive Carl knows when he is on vacation - something other people seem to have issues with.

Four Signs That You Are On Vacation

Inquistive Carl Didn’t Believe Number 3 – Or Any of the Other Ones For That Matter

It’s summer. The world is hot, the sun is murdering people, and you are on a vacation, potentially with 2 or 3 children, some of which might be your own, and potentially also a spouse. Or not. it really doesn’t matter because you have the sinking feeling that you may not actually be on vacation. You are just not sure.

You aren’t the only one who can’t tell if they are officially on vacation or if the office is just looking a bit different these days. Luckily, I’ve managed to gather four methods you can use to determine your off-the-clock status.

Number 1 – King of the Hill is on TV.

King of the Hill was a televised comedic cartoon show starring off-beat characters and a functional-but-nothing-to-write-home-about art style. It existed only because Beavis and Butthead and Daria reminded us of the 1990s, the decade which defined a generation of people who don’t really want to be reminded of their childhood.  King of the Hill is only shown on cable television and no one subscribes to cable television except for hotels.

If you subscribe to cable television, you are literally the last person on earth that does so. Congratulations. The reason you are paying $300 a month for mediocre entertainment is because its existence relies solely on your shoulders. If anyone you know says they also have cable television service, it was said sarcastically and they’re currently sitting at home watching the wholly superior entertainment product – YouTube.

So, if you are seeing the Hill family (or possibly Hill people), you are either at a hotel, or you have cable television and we are extremely sorry for that but this is probably your own fault.

Number 2 – Someone Comes By Daily To Touch All Your Things

It is 10:59 in the morning. You are sitting in a living room that looks like it was designed by a person who never had to own their own living room. There is a knock at the door, just as there was yesterday, and for most of this week. Shortly after, a nice person wanders into the room, probably apologizes to you, and asks if they should come back later. You don’t say anything because, well, you’re reading this article on how to tell if you are on vacation so you are either super baked or super autistic or both. So then they just start sprucing up the place while you arrange all your quarters face up or order another pizza. We aren’t judging.

This is either a maid or a really polite burglar. Once this person is done changing your linens and scrubbing that weird mess you left on the table, check if there is anything missing. If so, it was probably a burglar, although may also be a maid. We just wanted you to get up and move around a little. We’re concerned about your health.

If this person was wearing a white coat and administered you medicine, you may be in a hospital meant to resolve your problem of not being able to determine if you are on vacation.

This isn’t much of a determinate list item. You are going to have to combine it. Is King of the Hill on AND someone you don’t know is putting out new bath soap? Well, you are 50% on your way to vacation-town. Lets continue.

Number 3 – You Have to Buy the Internet at a Huge Mark-up

Do you buy your own internet? I hope you do. It’s 37 cents per month and is delivered to your house through the grace of god and several pounds of cabling. You are currently using it, unless Columbia House has started offering off-line internet delivery.

If you had to produce a Jackson/Tubman just to watch a tubby cat and his chicken life-partner cause each other grief, you are probably doing so from a hotel.

So far, this list is just determining if you are in a hotel. Buzzfeed is just going to rehash this list as “3 Signs You Are In A Hotel – PEOPLE REALLY HATE US CLICK HERE OR MANAGEMENT WILL SHOOT US AT NOON” or something. This next item is important and is the easiest and fastest way to determine if you are on vacation.

Number 4 – You Wish You Were Doing What You Are Doing Right Now – But At Home

The best part of vacation is that you finally have the time to do what you really want to do with your life – read lifeless, long-winded, overwrought blog posts written by cats while naked and sitting on a vinyl dining chair. This fact you’ve known since your teacher made you replace it with “Fully-Clothed Office Worker” on that worthless “Draw What You Want To Be When You Grow Up” sheet in Kindergarten.

The worst part is that you have to mask it behind the ultimate all-inclusive vacation to go see something that either killed a bunch of people a long time ago or could kill a bunch of people pretty soon because your real plan – to spend 3 hours alone in a 60 degree room with a computer, the internet, a small hand towel, and liquor – makes people give you a pretty wide berth in the break room when they find out.

Regardless, you have finally reached your personal Shangri-la but now you have to go out and snap some pictures of an elk just to have proof of vacation status. Then, you have to bring back souvenirs and some stories that aren’t entirely based on your very limited understanding of volcanos (“I was there. I threw a penny into the top of it and my wish came true. The triceratops was the best part.”). And each of these requires you to take a shower and wear pants or face jail time. Suddenly, you’ve found yourself with little time to even rip the plastic wrap off your paper cups.

Unless you are staying at a Motel 6 or, god forbid, a Red Roof Inn. Then you are 4 days into a street fight with the indigent motel-folk who broke through the back wall of your closet the first night of your stay looking to expand on their squat territory. This will be covered by a future article – 4 Signs You are Going to have your Throat Slit by a Homeless Street Busker at 3 in the Morning.

To recap, if your nude ass is stuck to a vinyl chair, you are 3/4ths your way through a bottle of Whistle Pig, a complete stranger just walked into the room – screamed – and left, you just saw Bobby Hill kick a man in the crotch, and you’ve paid way too much for this experience, you are officially on vacation.

Enjoy yourself. You worked hard for this.

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