We never expected to be lied to so fervently about so many important topics and for such a lengthy period of time.
Hey Theodore, did you read the news?
Like, all of it? They make so much of it these days.
Like, specifically, the part that was not actually real.
Oh, sure. Right. Also probably all of it?
There were some solid chunks somewhere in the middle that were absolutely priceless.
The stuff about the mysterious disappearance of several airplanes?
That was a good one. Have I ever told you about my theory that they’re stranded on a desert island with Chubby Checker and forced to listen to Jimmy Buffett all day every day?
Well I don’t have time now but you can imagine that its a good one. Instead, lets talk about how we can sift reality from the falsities that smother us like a dark, foggy, robot-free dystopia.
Do go on.
Ted & Theodore’s 4 Tips for Spotting Fake News
(Number 4 Will Mean You Are Finished Reading This Article!)
1. It isn’t real. Like “Lizards aren’t in charge of the government” and “the IRS had nothing to do with the Korean War” and “Secure Sockets Layer”.
Gotta start off with a bang here, Ted. Really point out some high profile fake news.
And also mention Lizardmen. Other popular misinformation includes “We aren’t just rehashing plot lines from old dystopian novels. Our dystopia is all our own invention.” and “Chicken wasn’t always 50% wood pulp.”
2. Someone told you that its straight up lies.
People are sometimes just like “Naw, that ain’t true”.
And I’m inclined to believe them based on their conviction alone.
3. It was reported by state-run media.
Good luck finding non-state-run media.
Basically whatever you find on public access television. .
4. It wasn’t posted on CatBagz.com.
If there’s one thing we do here at CatBagz, it’s tell the whole truth. That, and have a slightly functional ecommerce site with no products in stock.
Disirregardless, we are the real mother deal, yall. We’re true dat. We speak in absolutes and they’re 100% honest.
That guy isn’t our president! We don’t have a president! Our president is still Benjamin Franklin, the best president. The best currency denomination.
Just enough to purchase all the incidentals if you totally forgot them for your vacation but not so much that you get touched at the airport.
Just enough to get you noticed at establishments for gentlemen.
The denomination of high school and college graduations everywhere.
Is this how we’re finishing this?
Well I doubt anyone would want us to continue.