The CatBagz Crew Hold an Impromptu Press Conference About a Highly Concerning Business Decision – Partnering with GovernmentLizard.com
Alright everyone, calm down, let’s go ahead and start this conference here. Theodore, if you would please start us off with the national anthem.
Ok, well, freedom of speech is an exceptionally important freedom that CatBagz completely respects. Totally. One-hundred-percent. And part of that freedom is freedom from having to even speak at all. Or sing. Especially if – maybe – it would eat up some time from this anxiety-inducing announcement we are about to make and then have to answer questions for.
Also important. I’m guessing Ted is out as well?
Drunk cat hasn’t been seen since last January so I guess we just get right into this thing.
The people of CatBagz, the CatBagz brand, and the company behind the logo and all of this free speech has – and I say this in the loosest terms possible – entered into an agreement to assist in marketing and public relations with operating the new brand Government Lizard and their web presence GovernmentLizard.com.
I realize this sounds absurd. Outrageous. Insane. A monumentally poor decision among the wreckage of such great ones like the time we posted four tips on How to Spot Fake News or like when we tried to raise money to purchase soil from Dracula’s Castle to try to grow a vampire, then purchase more soil with the intent to eat it and become vampires ourselves, then sue the makers of the soil for false advertising, only to hopefully again one day purchase another inventory of cat-faced bags. I realize this might trump all of those things.
Money is tight, ya’ll. Money is tight like maybe you’d have a hard time fitting a camel through it or whatever. Money is tight like you’re going to have trouble fitting water through it. Money is tight like if you ran out of physical things to sell and started trying to sell digital nothings. Money is so tight (how tight is it?) the government gave us each three thousand dollars and then left fucking town like it was going out for cigarettes and never came back.
You can tell the economy is booming when people are trading nothing-money for things that are literally called non-fungible. Like they were going to trick us into buying stuff that doesn’t actually exist through elaborate use of the English language. Well, heh, we figured you out. Then, we figured ourselves out. I don’t know. Maybe this’ll work.
Lets go to the audience – a small gathering of bored citizens hanging out at the Walmart grocery pick-up – for questions:
Is it true that GovernmentLizard.com is staffed entirely by the reptilian overlords that control every moment in our dreary, ass-to-mouth lives?
Yes. I mean – we thought that was obvious. It’s in the name. It’s all over their website. Are you asking if specific people are lizard people? We don’t know who is who. We’re fucking cats.
Are you being controlled by Government Lizards?
No. Our partnership is really one of just telling them how to operate GoDaddy, then telling them how to operate WordPress, then telling them how to operate Twitter. For omniscient reptilians they’re pretty behind the times. A lot of them still wear monocles and top hats. Look at this dude, for instance.
We’re handling their Public Relations and Marketing functions because they’ve had a hard time connecting on a personal level with the beings they usually eat.
Did CatBagz teach the Government Lizards how to make Non-Fungible Tokens?
You’re not going to believe this but the reptilians knew how to make NFTs before they got here. Government Lizard is already well on their way to becoming a highly prolific NFTer.
Is this going to cost anything? Are you going to make any money from this?
Hah – fucking probably not.