Catbagz.com Forgoes Drastic Measures, Invokes Dracula Measures
Everywhere you look are signs of the financial apocalypse. The stocks are down. Bitcoin is down. Your identity is stolen, and now you have to understand blockchain because illegal aliens from Honduras are breaking into America to steal your crypto-currency. Disney buys nearly as many explosive devices as the U.S. Military and if Walmart armed its work force, it would be nearly as large as the Chinese military. In doing our yearly review of the CatBagz finances, we realized just how behind the power curve we are in modern corporate America and decided to do something about it.
That something was not buy new cat bags and sell them on the internet. We opened a GoFundMe. Technically, it would be a GoFundUs but that domain is currently being sold for nearly ten thousand dollars (ChubHub.com is our $1,000 backup plan).
Here is our financial plan:
If we get so much as $10 from this ordeal, we’re going to straight up purchase Genuine Soil from Dracula’s Castle. No joke, this is legit. We will do this.
We’ll do it again. This time, we’re going to bury some out back of the CatBagz headquarters, water it, gently sing to it, and see if we grow a god damn vampire.
Again with the soil. This time, we’ll straight eat it, see if we gain super vampire powers.
We’ll visit an emergency room to inform them of the ingesting of the Genuine Soil from Dracula’s Castle and ask if there is anything we should do to ward off evil spirits and impending vampirism. Also, we’ll get this mole looked at that’s been scabbing over.
We’ll buy this authentic-as-hell Vampire Hunting Kit and see if it has a cure for the weird thing we just did to ourselves.
Tell you the truth, we’re gonna buy ourselves a drink with this. At this point, we’ll have a small vampire growing in our GOD DAMN BACK YARD and we might either have one growing in our stomach-womb OR we will find ourselves awake at night thirsting for the blood of virgins. $20 bucks will get us 20 Applebee’s Dollar Jollys so that’s what we’re going to do here.
Listen, I don’t know how much more time we’ll have left, but if we hit what we call in this biz a “century-Lincoln”, we will be over the moon. Maybe literally. Maybe what these yokels actually sold us was Mud from Werewolf Manor and by now we’ll finally be over our full-moon phase. What if its Sand from Frankenstein’s Asshole. Who knows? I bet they don’t even know. Stupid EBay cranks. We’ll spend the $260 this brings us to retain a lawyer to investigate the authenticity claims on this mess and see what we actually just buried out back of our office and then also ingested.
We’ll retain the real mother deal, John Morgan from Morgan & Morgan to investigate these claims and, probably, make out our last will and testament and/or the legally binding employment contract to be signed by all our vampire coven members that will be milling around our own desolate strip-mall turned vampire castle by now.
We will finally restock the shelves at CatBagz.com with some actual, authentic, CatBagz purchased with the proceeds from our lawsuit against Dracula’s estate.
Don’t forget to check out this deal of the century.