The Favored Game Show of Cat Bag Enthusiasts Everywhere
IS EVERYONE READY? WELCOME TO ANOTHER ROLLICKING GAME OF…
SPEN’! DAT! CASH!
I’M YOUR HOST, A LOUD DRUNK MAN IN AN ILL FITTING CAT COSTUME. LETS GO TO THE GAME SHOW FLOOR.
Contestant Number 1, please introduce yourself.
#1: Uh, hey. I’m Harold Greco. I was trying to deliver a pizza to this address and you said my tip was hidden in this closet. I am, of course, a gullible fool destined for death by a serial closet murderer, but it looks like I might win a toaster oven so I’m sticking this one through.
That is correct. A toaster oven is in fact a prize that can be won tonight. Contestant Number 2, please feign more excitement while you introduce yourself.
#2: HELLO I AM JUST SO EXCITED TO BE HERE! Hello my name is Melonie Rasputin Melons. I am a former child and recovering violent pornography star and I am here to win a new home.
Well unfortunately all we have to win tonight are some kitchen appliances, a 1966 Studebaker Commander, and some cat bags.
#2: I can live with and in that.
Lovely. Alright, and our final contestant is an obnoxiously loud blender.
Perfect. Alright, the rules of the game Spen’ Dat Cash are simple. We give you a cash value, and you have to buy the least amount of things necessary to spend all of your money without going over. Is everyone ready?
Yes. First contestant. Your cash value is $17.38.
#1: Uhhhhhhhh… how much you give to your friends to help pick up a filthy couch on the side of the road you plan on using in a home made game show.
That is $5 and a pack of Natty Ice, valued at $9.28. You have $3.10 left.
#1: Crap, a single pack of Altoids.
Ohhhhh unfortunately that is $3.19. So close. So close.
Ok contestant number 2, your cash value is $33.19.
#2: 33 pounds of ugly Walmart apples.
33 pounds of ugly Walmart apples is roughly $32.42. You have 77 cents left.
THERE IS NO PASSING.
#2: ……. WHAT YOU THROW INTO AN UNMANNED TOLL BOOTH BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EXPECT TO HAVE TO PROVIDE EXACT CHANGE AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN THE CAR.
….Sorry, that is 42 cents in pennies and a Canadian quarter, which has absolutely no value.
Contestant number 3. Your value is $15.99.
#3: KRT BRGS!
Thats right! Our CatBagz cat totes at precisely $15.99. Its a wonder we don’t sell more of them! You win this time blender. You win a trip to the dump. You are a terrible blender.
Thank you everyone for playing! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY GAMESHOW CLOSET.