I Swear to God, Dude
Curiosity is said to have killed the cat. Also, Curiosity allegedly landed on Mars if you choose to believe NASA (Never A Straight Answer). Why are we so curious about space exploration?
I tell you one thing: I hate this fucking planet. We hate exploring this planet because it sucks and we know it and everything we find out about it only makes it suck more.
Take for example some recent discoveries about the historic lives of humans:
The first Homo sapiens seem to have appeared more than 100,000 years earlier than scientists previously thought — and in different locations.
They’ve been here for-fucking-ever.
These discoveries helped lead to a new idea: perhaps Homo sapiens actually evolved all over Africa in interlinked groups that became more similar over time.
They’re fucking all over the place.
This idea is known as the “African multiregionalism” theory.
They keep making up shit.
We’ve also discovered new hominids that our ancestors may have lived alongside or even occasionally mated with.
They keep fucking stuff that isn’t them.
Some early art that was previously attributed to Homo sapiens was really created by Neanderthals.
They keep stealing everyone’s shit.
We’ve also found more genetic evidence that shows ancient humans interbred several times with hominin species like Denisovans and Neanderthals.
More fucking around.
The earliest humans left Africa long before we thought, according to recent research.
Then they just fucking leave.
No thanks dude.
The problem is, we’re out of places to eat, shoot, and leave to. That’s where our bud, Elon Musk, has entered the scene. What we don’t know about Elon Musk could fill a vast ocean with lengthy and elaborate lies like how he is just an alternate reality Brendan Fraser who chose not to star in the movie Monkeybone and instead made several weird and lucrative business decisions (sound familiar?).
What we do know is that he’s been doing some shit in space and most of us don’t even understand how astronauts work.
So when can we expected to have our rights violated and our stuff taxated without our interests representated on another planet? Maybe one without fucking embarrassing amounts of beef tallow?
At the rate we’ve been seeing lately its a firm fucking never.
But it doesn’t have to be. You see, we here at CatBagz.com known what it takes to further interest in uninteresting things. We can even do it without nudity and rubbery genital approximations. For those in the know, that means money.
The bottom line is the only way to convey how you feel while also increasing awareness in a subject is via bumper stickers and shouting things just before they execute you. We have definitely planned out your execution of the former. Congratulations, we will gladly sell you this bumpersticker:
Thanks and god bless.