Today’s Throwback: Another Section Out Of Book: Winning At Business
GONNA TEACH YOU KIDS HOW TO WIN AT BUSINESS:
You run a website that sells things. You get an order for 14 yards of masking tape. You tell your employee, Jim, to order and stock 14 yards of masking tape, plus surplus for further orders. Jim, who doesn’t give a fuck, doesn’t so anything.
HERES WHAT WENT WRONG
BUSINESS RULE #1:
ALWAYS GIVE ATLEAST 4 EMPLOYEES THE SAME ORDER
BUSINESS RULE #2:
NO ONE GIVES A FUCK
HERES HOW IT REALLY SHOULD GO DOWN
You tell your employee, Jim, to order and stock 14 yards of masking tape, plus surplus for further orders. Jim, Business Rule #2, doesn’t do anything. But, you also gave Sandy, John, and Bill the same order. Sandy orders 3 peanut butter sammiches, and leaves the company in disgust at her low pay rate. John orders 4 and a half tons of animal parts from Asia. Bill orders 14 miles of masking tape, which your executives say is “close enough”. Bill is made manager of accounting and Research and Development.
LET US CONTINUE:
An order for a 10 pound bag of premium coffee beans comes in. Jim doesn’t tell anyone. Rule #2 and all.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING
RULE #3: EVERYONE MUST HEAR EVERYTHING.
An order for a 10 pound bag of premium coffee beans comes in. Jim doesn’t tell anyone. Rule #2 and all. However, the system is set up to notify you. You forward it to John and Bill, surely one of those two will fill the order. However, you also forward it to Sandy, just in case she can do anything about it now that shes a bus driver. Also, you forward it to most of your family members, so that they will remind you that you need to fill an order for 10 pounds of coffee by Thursday. Along with that email you had sent the note “MILDLY IMPORTANT”. As such, your entire family forwards it back to you, as well as Jesus. Jesus forwards it to all his little peeps, Buddah forwards it to Krishna, Krishna forwards it to Ganesh, Ganesh posts it in his little cubicle in where-ever-land, and Zeus posts it on his MySpace shortly before the great ragnarok. While the order is never actually filled, the internet reverberates with its effects long into the afterlife of all living beings. Bill is made King of Egypt and Sales.
BUSINESS IS TOUGH:
Your executives state that you must meet a quota of sales a month, or you are fired.
RULE #4: FUCK YOUR EMPLOYEES
Your executives state that you must meet a quota of sales a month, or John is going to end up with concrete shoes at the bottom of Lake Erie, his children to be sold to Africa, and Africa to be sold wholesale to Asia, to make up for loss of sales. You are far too busy Mah-Jongging your ass off in the back room, your tiles disappearing like John’s extended family members. Bill is made Lord of Lordlitude and the entire Bronze Age, as well as the Ming Dynasty.
THINGS ARE LOOKING UP:
You’ve been hitting those numbers. The sales are skyrocketing. You don’t know why people like buying the things you are selling, but they’re selling like hotcakes. Even Jim has changed his demeanor, and seems to be giving fucks left and right.
HOW IS THIS BAD:
RULE #5: MICROMANAGEMENT FOR ALL!
You’ve been hitting those numbers. The sales are skyrocketing. You have Bill marking them down one at a time on his abacus, which has to be blue, made of pure blue whale bone, and polished nine times a day, and backing up said abacus records every Tuesday, except during Easter, where they’re backed up twice into a storage container stored at the foot of Mount Olympus. Please note that a full abacus back up must be completed in a total of 13.56 minutes, or pay is docked. Please note that is pay is docked, you must fill out form 14-65-A PAY DOCK FORM 13. Jim is busy giving fucks left and right, so he has to document said fucks each on seperate index cards and in Hebrew AS WELL AS Latin, being careful to only use 12 ounces of ink during his documentation.
Your sales plummet, due to the fact that each sale is followed by a follow up questionnaire of 14 questions, each based around the origin of the family name of the purchaser, which is followed up by a questionnaire of 19 questions all based around the smell of the product. Bill is God by 9 am, and by 10, hes done more work with his giant ass god-hands than you’ve done all year.
YOUR BUSINESS THRIVES.