July 29, 2021
In this old throw-back, we reveal our tenuous relationship between productivity, sobriety, and sanity.

Sunday Rerun-day: Winning At Business, Part 1

Today’s Throwback: A Section Out Of Our Ill-Fated Book: Winning At Business

It is January (editor’s note: I mean, it was), so 90% of America wants a new job and 10% of America is rolling around in its own gold-fleeced feces. To provide helpful information on choosing a new company, here is an excerpt from the unpublished work “Worst Human Ever” from the section on business:

Best Practices

We’ve all heard the old adage of genius being both inspiration and perspiration, and I’ve come to believe that business is 1% schadenfreude and 99% investor fraud. The following is a list of suggested best practices when you are in the position of dealing with co-workers in a closed environment daily. It is primarily taken from experience with assholes and crazy people who are prevalent in small companies. I have arranged it into steps. They are not actual steps, but you can imagine the people involved are suffering from delusions or a drug addiction, and are receiving appropriate and step-based help.

Step 1: If the man on the phone tells you to meet him at a fast food restaurant, quit immediately.

If your manager can’t afford to eat anywhere but at Burger King, there is no reason to expect that you and your family will be eating anything other than things you find in dumpsters or your neighbor’s back yard.

Step 2: Office workers are not to be confused with actual people.

There is a young man practicing martial arts behind you. There is another man sleeping in his office on a futon, which is where he slept last night and will sleep well past noon. There is another who willingly discusses how many virtual men he has had virtual hump-time with, but its ok, cause it’s a hobby and it makes him virtual money.

These people are not real. If they were, the world would be a cruel place indeed. They are pure figments of your imagination at best, and demons torturing your soul for eternity at middling. They feel no emotion. They can’t even form proper English at times. Much like animals in the wild, these cretins will attempt to assert their will over you, whether it makes sense for them to give you direction or not. The direction may not even make sense. Nothing about your relationship with office monsters will make sense. They assert their will by asking you to do things. Never, ever, ever do anything for them. Upon completion of a task, they will claim you as theirs.

Step 3: Office politics are hilarious

The secretary did not come in to work today. She has not come into work all month long. She was just promoted to a position where she handles the entirety of the revenue stream for your company. This makes complete sense.

Step 4: Your boss may not be what he says he is

He may be gentle, or he may be a gentile. He could be an experienced business man. He may be a vomit-inducing fog. He may not actually be. There is no way to be certain. Most likely, he is not going to give you a raise or benefits. You may need to eat his heart to infuse yourself with his powers. Do this in private.

Step 5: Small business don’t have to pay taxes

No, really, they don’t! Neither does the CEO! It’s a winter WONDERLAND. The only reason people haven’t tapped into this unethical well of awesome is because they must be stupid or they must like not going to jail. Find out if your company is using this accounting practice through your local governments clerk of court! It is free, and you’ll be glad you did!

Step 6: The honor system is fun

The CEO needs a 3 layer cake and a pound of salt delivered to OH LETS SAY the moon. You don’t actually need to do it. Just tell them you did. Let me repeat. Just tell them you did what they told you to. If anyone questions you, they are incompetent. Human beings won’t believe you. You don’t work with human beings. This occurs due to the fact that everyone else is lying just as much as you. Thus, if they believe your lies, you must believe theirs. Good business grows on limbs of hope and a trunk of honor, and with good care will repeatedly produce dingleberries for the rest of your life.

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