September 23, 2021 does a health check on their readers. is Doing a Routine Health Check of its Reader, You

We’re Live on the Phone with a Local Emergency Line – Are You Still Alive? Do You Want a CatBag?

So we all got together the other day over a bowl of cool water and some things we found to eat – centipedes and a couple of old Sugar Daddies that we found under the couch and promptly scattered around the house – and eventually the conversation landed on the subject of you.

I mean, first we talked about how great – how fantastically great – how wonderfully, fantastically great – it is that you are willing to click random links on the internet. Ted, who you’ll remember from when he rented out his creepy sex dungeon on Air B&B, said he read an article stating that most people will pretty much do whatever an image on the internet told them to do. For example, several months ago we made the mistake of posting this image to the internet:

Britain is so great! LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION!

Which was meant to instead be a bit of travel propaganda to visit the British Isles – it was supposed to say “Britain Is So Great! Leave Your Home Once In A While” – but we filtered it through a few off-shore content teams and the message was garbled and now I don’t even think the British Isles is how they refer to themselves. I believe they use the term “archipelagos”.


So then Theodore asked if anyone had seen you in a while. We sorta milled it around a bit. Percy said he thought he saw you at the mall with someone he didn’t recognize but then also he thought he saw Frida Kahlo hocking vape pens from a scurrilous vendor and we had to remind him that that person is dead and that what he saw was probably actually a man. Oliver notified us that he didn’t actually think you ever existed and Smokey said he wasn’t a fan anyway.

But we are fans. We are super fans. We are your biggest fans.

If you were a golden haired troglodyte running for US president in the 2016 presidential elections, we would probably be running your Super PAC. If you were his competition, we would be afraid of the golden haired troglodyte but also still at least send in a few bucks. If you were running for the 2016 US presidential elections as the Green Party candidate, we would be the first to submit the paperwork that gets you admitted into a facility for your own good. We adore you that much, gentle reader. Theodore even said he would call the Uber to drive you there.

So how are you? You still hanging in there?

Are you going to buy a cat bag? Something like 90% of all successful US presidential bids were won by our favorite cat bag owners – the Illuminati and the Lizard People.

You should visit more often. You deserve that presidency. You deserve a cat bag.

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