July 29, 2021
Ted & Theodore Investigate: E-Commerce

Ted & Theodore Investigate: E-Commerce

There Is Literally Nothing Sacred On The Internet Except The Internet

So, Ted, how does E-Commerce work?
You mean, Good Morning Ted.
Oh sure, we’ll do this thing again. Good Morning Ted.
Good Morning Theodore.
So, this E-Commerce thing we’ve done here. What would you say is a good description of how it works.
Well, Theo, the core arguments to any capitalistic venture are:
one (1) People have money. They don’t have the idea of money or the concept of not-money. They straight up have some kind of register of things that they can trade for goods or services, and
two (2) They are free to blow it on whatever they damn well please.
Right, right. For example?
For example, if I had seven dollars and ninety-nine cents ($7.99, plus applicable shipping and state tax) in good old bank-made American tender, I could buy one of our beautiful and effective-at-being-a-bag chain bags. I would operate this electronic device that I’m obviously operating very well, or at least well enough to get to CatBagz.com, and I’d add my choice bag to my digital cart and when I checked out, my delightful little e-monies would fly through the internet and, in receipt, I’d receive a cat bag in 5-7 business days.
That’s E-Commerce?
There is also the part where it is mostly a figment of our vast and hopeful imagination.
How do you mean?
Theo, how many things have you actually purchased from the internet?
I once bought a ton of batteries. Like an inordinate amount of batteries. It may have been a literal ton of them.
How many LuLaRoe dresses or Cutco Knives or Subscriptions to Garden & Gun Magazine have you purchased through the internet?
Exactly none.
Precisely. I theorize that e-commerce is a sham. A hoax. Right up there with Lizardmen, the Poetry of Yi-Fen Chou, Artificially Dirty Eggs, and the entire presidency of George Herbert Walker Bush, Senior, further known as H Dubbs.
I’m on the fence about the Lizardmen.
Lizardmen existing would explain the presidency of H Dubbs.
So how does e-commerce work in Communism.
I think the government owns your Catbagz and distributes them at their own discretion.
Is that better or worse?
We’d get a good chunk of our guest closet storage space back, which is a pretty big win.

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