Yet Another Superfluous Marketing Recap
Hello Practically Anonymous Internet Entity! Welcome to Your Personalized 2021 CatBagz.com Year in Review.
First of all, let me tell you how ecstatic we are to share another year of absolutely frivolous tomfoolery with you. It truly was the dickens. If it were any more dickens, we’d have to put a Mature rating on the blog. Only because someone would brand us as class war fomenters – not because we were making a genital joke at the cost of Chuck Dickens’s over-abundant novels about dirty, hungry English kids.
You’ll just have to trust us, since this is probably your absolute first visit to this site. It is highly likely you just came off a Google search page for ‘Body Like a Backhoe‘ which remains steadfast as our number one search term. That brings us to our very first metric:
Total Time Spent Browsing CatBagz.com!
Your tailored, highly-personalized total amount of time spent on CatBagz.com is 0 hours, 0 minutes, 13 seconds (depending on your last completed grade level).
We’re so incredibly enthusiastic to have you here for a quarter of one minute that Drunk Cat nearly almost didn’t vomit after coming into work today. In celebration, we’re offering the deepest discount on all our products we’ve done yet this year: 0%. If you act now, you can re-buy all those Non-Fungible Tokens we were selling at a total savings of NaN! That is below their normal retail value of anywhere between not that and a lot more!
Here comes another metric:
Your personal number of purchases from CatBagz.com: None. For a total of $0 spent!
Let me calmly dissuade you from feeling a little intruded upon by us laying bare your personal, secret past time in front of god and everyone out here.
Realize that the data scientists we employ poured over every detail possible we could glean – NAY, SQUEEZE – from the vast amount of digital population tracking data they have at their fingertips.
Originally, we were going to recap your total amount of emotional trauma you experienced when your mother fell down the stairs while yelling at your to fix her fax machine. However, every time we did the math it seemed like you enjoyed it which would make you a monster, so we didn’t commit that fact to this deep-dive into your digital skeletons you keep hidden in your techno-closet.
You were here for us when we started selling Not-Quite NFTs, which we were calling Nifty’s to the detriment of our authority on the subject. You were here when we desperately tried to sell you a series of colanders. Most importantly, you were here when we nearly devolved into Fast Food Fried Chicken Wars.
Actually, based on all the metrics which we gathered – as discussed – and presented in front of you and everyone looking over your shoulder while you all hang around the library like homeless book hobbits – as discussed – it is mathematically probable you have never ever been here before. Which means this recap post should actually be a warm welcoming message for our new guests:
Welcome to CatBagz.
We’re a moderately entertaining website built out of the scaffolding of a moderately unsuccessful eCommerce business. I would liken this to being a member of a comedy club that meets randomly throughout the year in an old Sears.
You might get a couple laughs while being surrounded by the decaying corpses of crazy old and freakish misunderstandings of digitized capitalism.
You’ve just begun your journey supplying us with your cyber-shopping behavior data so that we can laugh when you keep getting ads for obscene Croc attachments and sexualized hobo nickels. Really the only value being exchanged here is emotion-based, we’re just way ahead of the curve on the progression of non-fungible currency.
Have a Happy Holiday Season and a Happy New Year and remember:
We’re neither here for a long time nor a good time.
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