Look At This Other Crap We Could Have Always Been Selling You!
Welcome to a new thing we’re going to do here.
We like to call it the Carousel of Products.
Which sounds a lot like the Carousel of Progress, one of Walt Disney’s favorite attractions hocking his vision of tomorrow, but this carousel doesn’t end with Disney’s disembodied head floating just behind your right shoulder.
Theo, how do you suppose they get his gross, preserved head to breathe it’s hot, popcorn-smelling breath?
That’s why they call them Imagineers, Ted. Imagine an old industrialist’s breath – now engineer it.
Super. Also, we promise that we won’t end this with an attempt to form a cult of personality around an anthropomorphic animal.
We are literally undoing all the great work Walt Disney did: popcorn stink and animal cults.
Absolutely Ted – lets get right to it. Our first product is all about that summer cook out. How often have you said to yourself:
Self, my condiments keep slipping off my SKINLESS hotdog! How do I solve this problem WITHOUT BUYING HOTDOGS WITH SKINS REMINDER THIS SHIT WILL NOT WORK WITH A SKINNED HOTDOG.
The Amazon Imagineers…
That phrase is 100% taken by Disney.
The Amazon Crapiculturists created the SLOT DOG to alleviate such worries.
First, you pick up your (SKINLESS – NO SKINS ALLOWED – WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPECIFY THIS ANY MORE) rolled up meat product and sort of dice up the outside using this tool?
Yep. You just sorta stick it under this doodad and make yourself a slotted dog. Cook it and you’re done.
Buy it now! It’s both cheap and dumb!
Hey Theodore. Remember when you had a bag of liquid and you had a real devil of a time trying to transfer it to something else?
That is one of the rarest of occurrences, yes.
And then you thought ‘Man, I sure wish this entire concept was re-imagined.‘
I’ve thought that about the general concepts of modern plumbing, sure. Also, let’s not stray into that copy-written ‘Imagination‘ territory again. Crapicultured.
This solves that need in no uncertain terms.
I’m really uncertain about what this thing does.
I guess you’re gonna have to buy it to find out.
Check out this SUPER topical book. It covers three of the top flavors of the month when it comes to the political outrage machine:
Its about cats
Its about guns
Its about talking
That is truly amazing Ted. It is like you found the holy trinity of internet topics. If this were Twitter, this book would be @TheInternetAtLarge.
If it were a Facebook page, they’d be raiding it for undisclosed legal reasons.
Undisclosed Legal Reasons is the disease that keeps on giving.
Don’t catch that but do catch this unique wonder of random literature.
Let’s end with our new theme song.
C – A – T – B – A – G
Z – BECAUSE WEB DOMAINS ARE HARD TO FIND