Your Navigational Guide to Modern Corporate Environments
Timothy Ferriss says his book, The Four Hour Work Week: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich by Timothy Fucking Ferriss, will teach you (one of the several thousand that purchased his fucking book) the principles he used to become the following:
- Princeton University guest lecturer in high-tech entrepreneurship
- First American in history to hold a Guinness World Record in tango
- Advisor to more than 30 world-record holders in professional and Olympic sports
- Wired magazine’s “Greatest Self-Promoter of 2008” (Fucking for real dude?)
- National Chinese kickboxing champion
- Horseback archer in Nikko, Japan
- Political asylum researcher and activist
- MTV breakdancer in Taiwan
- Hurling competitor in Ireland
- Actor on hit TV series in mainland China and Hong Kong
- An insufferable fuck
That last one is one we added on his behalf because he must have left it out while he was busy NOT ACTUALLY GETTING ANYTHING FUCKING DONE. And guess what. Now we all work with dozens if not thousands of THESE. MOTHER. FUCKERS. Like a mass of incompetent, babbling Carthaginians stabbing us with spears until we want to bury our heads in the sand and take our own lives, they surround us and won’t stop talking to us about their god damn problems.
A comparable drinking game is thus:
- Every time someone says they don’t read email or check their messages during the day or asks you to tell them what the message said, place a lit match a bottle of rubbing alcohol and pour it onto your body.
- Every time one of them has to run out to take care of their personal shit, increase the amount of nails you hammer into your eyeballs by 10.
- Every time they space out or can’t make it into work and you end up running their fucking meeting, fall through the glass conference room table and roll around in the shards of glass.
- Every time you answer someone on their behalf about a subject they need to know but refuse to learn, murder suicide.
Listen, we all understand that no one signed up for this. No one agreed to come into this world a greasy baby and leave it a greasy old baby. When they took this job, it had a title like ‘Front Desk Captain‘ or like ‘Breath Manager‘. You know why it wasn’t communicated to them what their responsibilities were when they took this job?
BECAUSE LAZY FUCKS THAT WANT TO WORK FOUR HOURS A WEEK WROTE THE JOB DESCRIPTION AND THEN HAD A MASSAGE AND A NAP.
That’s right, the obsession with working the shortest time possible with the least amount of effort put them in the position of having to do some painful shit and they responded by making everyone cover for them and being a PETULANT AND INCOMPETENT PAIN IN THE GOD DAMN ASS.
Also in Timmy ‘Fuck You’ Ferriss’s book (at least in the Amazon Preview section — I didn’t actually buy this shit) is some bullshit about not wanting to be the middle aged fat guy in a mid-life crisis BMW. What failed to dawn on Timbo at the time was that, while he was obsessing over a fat dude in a shitty car, that guy did not give a shit about his stupid book or his gross lack of work ethic.
Unfortunately, his book apparently became popular and now we all have to work harder so that some douche-juice can work 5 hours, clock out, and fucking mamba while we cover for him. No one wants to fucking tango. No one wants to be an MTV breakdancer in Taiwan. Everyone secretly hates you, Timmy Neutron, and they hide it with their black coffee and finding new ways to make you irrelevant enough to fire.
One day, soon, we’ll have Universal Basic Income and my taxes will pay you to stay out of my fucking cubicle.
All this and more is illustrated in excruciating detail in our upcoming book:
Why Did Our Co-Workers Get A Job When They Don’t Want To Work A Job?