This AirBNB Was Never Ever the Scene of a Grisly Crime – Really!
Ted here! Listen, you are never ever gonna believe this. Hold on. Stay right there. Let me go get Theodore.
…
Theodore!
…
Theodore!
What Ted?
Tell these people about our new AirBNB venture.
Oh yes. So, I once inherited some property from a very old aunt. Some people might call her imaginary, but I like to call her “Definitely Not Cult Leader Konstantin Rudnev From Sirius”. Anyway, this spacious suite, located in downtown Webster, Massachusetts, has never ever ever been the site of any unsavory activity.
Trust us. We checked. The real estate agent specifically stated that this was not the location of the infamous Webster, Massachusetts sex dungeon. You know the one where that creepy cult dude kept all his dog wives?
Yes, it was definitely never ever that place. That was another place entirely. Anyway. So we spent a weekend scrubbing up all the pet stains and throwing out all this excess leather furniture my aunt kept around and now it is practically livable.
We’ll probably never be able to fill in all the tunnels that guy dug under the floorboards of this place.
What is really nice is that the place overlooks Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg.
Its really nice. Quaint. Quite pretty really.
Once Ted is finished taking nice photos of the place, we’ll be ready to slap it on AirBNB.
I’ve decided to really focus on the nicest part of the property. I’ve taken tons and tons of pictures of this Victorian style doll house we found in the basement. I thought that would really let the imagination of our potential guests run wild – by not including any actual pictures of the property because, well, there are a lot of colors and I think its just best to get people in the door, on the hook so to speak, so that it is ever so slightly harder to back out.
Yes, the real beauty of the location doesn’t settle in until you’re coming to the realization of a non-refundable cancellation policy.
Come for the promised features – stay because of your natural curiosity of how many unassuming neighbors you can have without anyone noticing something is really off about a guy who looks like a super doped-up burrito.
Truely. The place has its original hardwood flooring…
Because we’re not even going to touch it.
and world class water features.
Because we don’t understand plumbing.
Best of all, there is an integrated music system located somewhere in the ceiling.
We can’t figure out what is looping Andrew W.K.’s 2001 hit song Party Hard but it seems to be coming from the attic. We’re just not going to go up there because that’s exactly what a crazy cult leader would want someone to do.
We went ahead and boarded up the attic door. Think of it like a time capsule of things a crazy person would want to keep, like a ton of human hair and teeth and bird skeletons.
The real gem, the big selling point, besides the bargain basement price-
Also, don’t go into the basement.
Oh yea, no, don’t do that. As I was saying, for all new renters, Theodore and I will lovingly craft you one (1) dinner.
The dinner is your choice but must be shelf stable and edible with plastic utensils. Also, no meat. It isn’t safe to bring porous food into the house.
Great place to take the family or hold a bar mitzvah or your honeymoon.
Do not go into the basement.
Definitely don’t go in there.
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