Drunk Cat Don’t Want None Unless You Got Fart Pads, Son
I spent the past nine months in liquor purgatory and forgot that gift-giving wasn’t included in the imagined scenery of shared holiday experience. I grabbed my coat and hat (I own neither) on my way out the door (as in, to the computer) and managed to scrounge up the following for all my loved ones (they were the real imaginary parts).
No, that isn’t a typo. And yes, they actually do make these things. Do you have that one friend who indulges on Taco Bell just a little too much and can clear out the work office later? If you do, this gift is for them! These adhesive butt pads actually neutralize gas odors. They are discrete and even comfortable to wear. Nobody will ever know about your secret romance with beans when you’re wearing one of these.
When it comes to kitchens, you don’t always have a lot of decorative options, like you do for other areas in your house. But now you can use food as a decoration! Yep, you can set your cooking spoon down on this cute little ravioli pocket cushion.
How many times, on your typical outings, do you spot a jerk who doesn’t park properly? Most of us probably just curse under our breaths and call that person names that we’d never actually say to their faces. But now you can tell them how you feel, anonymously. Just leave one of these “You SUCK at Parking” cards on their windshield. You can watch from the safety and comfort of your own vehicle as they discover the card, read it, then angrily crumple it up and drop it onto the ground. They may have unconvinced your parking, but you ultimately get the last word.
If you know someone who is a Star Wars fan, then this gift will surely bring smiles. Now you can eat in sci-fi style with these glowing light saber chopsticks. They even come in different cool colors. May the food be with you.
Can’t decide whether you want to soak in a nice, warm bath or drink a glass of wine? Now you don’t have to choose! With this bath sip caddy, you can bring your booze into the tub/shower with you. Getting drunk while navigating water, pairs together like peanut butter and jelly.
Only a true foodie will appreciate these gems! If you’ve ever had a moment where you thought to yourself – “man, this bread is so soft, I could sleep on it!” Then, the next best thing is to wear the bread! With these French baguette slippers, you can walk around in style and be the envy of the town.
If you’ve ever wanted be James Bond or just have some of those nifty spy gadgets, then you’re in luck! These hidden camera glasses videos everything that you see in the run of a day. People won’t even know you’re recording them because the glasses look like entirely normal glasses. It’s a tad unnerving to be honest…or exciting. I guess it just depends on how you look at it.
Do you look like a potato? Well, you could! Now you can have your face, or anybody’s face you’d like, imprinted onto an Idaho potato. If this isn’t a dream gift, then I don’t know what is.
Hollywood has its fair share of hunks; Brad Pit, Jason Mamoa, Justin Bieber. But there is no denying that it’s harder to be more attractive than Mr. Danny DeVito. Which makes perfect sense why you can buy a gorgeous sequined pillow with his smiling face on it. Now you can hold him close and dream of him or cringe as his smiling face stares at you, unblinking, as you try to catch some Z’s.
Don’t you just love the smell of bacon frying in the morning? Man, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to put that smell into anything…like soap?! Who doesn’t want to get out of the shower smelling like cured pork? Not me, I’ll tell you that much! Everybody needs this stuff!
So, what are you waiting for? One of these gifts is sure to bring on both giggles AND awkward conversation and you ain’t living on the outside if you ain’t also dying on the inside.
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