September 23, 2021

Living with Cheeseburger Phone Dreams on a Hamburger Phone Budget

Aim Low – If You Miss, At Least You Can Still Afford An Uber

If you’ve spent more than thirty minutes on this planet, you’ve experienced staggering disappointment. The paperwork said ultimate freedom but you’re pink, blind, and covered in your own feces. Nothing is matching the marketing material. You are distraught, damp, and alone on a cruel and unforgiving planet and the only hope lies with a guy who looks like a muppet version of David Bowie.

Elon Musk is a Younger, Wider, Disappointing Version of David Bowie

This life is a lot like dreaming of living in a Walmart because you’re living in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly across the street. The reptilians know how to calculate the dreams you might have and they can out-limbo you regardless of how low you can go. If you started out tomorrow by finding blocks of gold in your backyard, gold would be worthless by the end of the day. If you started out tomorrow wanting to eat a single taco, they would become illegal or deadly or both.

You stopped buying gasoline so they made it worth negative money. They’ve managed to make a world where you wish you had toilet paper. Did you wish to work from home? In a monkey’s-paw-like turn of events, you are now required to work from home and they found a perfect way to make it terrible via teleconference software.

Having to keep going to work during the apocalypse is a sort of extreme version of this idea. You’re presented with a chance to fight for your survival and not pay your bills and instead you’re still going to work, fighting for your survival, and paying your bills.

You have Cheeseburger Phone dreams on a Hamburger Phone budget and now is the time to celebrate it with this sweet ass bumper sticker:

Available wherever despair is sold (

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