September 23, 2021

Welcome Back to Spen’ Dat Stim’ – A Stimulating Read On Using Government Stimulus Irresponsibly

A Semi-Bi-Annual Blog Post from the Internets Only Cat-Faced-Bag-Blog,

Scooter here.
Do you know what time it is? Do you know what day it is? I’m dying to know specifics, but here is what I do know: It is Stimulus Eve.

A hallowed holiday where you and yours and me and mine are salivating – literally chomping at the bit – to get some sweet ass Benjamins from Uncle Sam. A small amount of Benjamins from your somewhat beleaguered and kinda creepy uncle.

Actually its a William McKinley and a Benjamin Franklin. We’re being sent what our founding fathers called a “two person sausage party” but we’re not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

We’re just planning for its untimely demise.

So before we begin, realize two main points of this story.

One – all of the deals we made circa 2016 to sell retail products on an ecommerce platform have fallen through. I don’t even get sad telegrams from Chinese factories asking if I’d like to purchase more cat bags. I want to think this is because they’ve given up on me as a consumer and not because they’ve succumbed to this years gross domestic product: lung death.

Two – all of the deals we made circa 2018 to make money on just linking to products we like on Ebay and Amazon have fallen through. Amazon gave up first and, lets be honest, who didn’t see that coming. Ebay doesn’t seem to have our account on record anymore and, on most recent login, has suggested that maybe the account is under review. The results promised to my email in 24 hours will be illuminating I’m sure.

That means that all links and products referenced in this blog post are painfully, excruciatingly, terribly pro bono. Which is to say that the deals in this blog post are so good they promote positive sexual health and are being made to no benefit of our own.

Also, we still have a PayPal Link so feel free to just send us money which is ultimately the point of this blog post.

Free Fucking Money

So what are you gonna do with that $600 burning a hole in your pocket? You ain’t gonna pay rent with it that’s for fucking sure – cause can you imagine what the companies that got the Paycheck Protection Program loans (here forth known as peepees) did with their money? I think someone in the government who is related to someone in the government who is also having positive sexual relations with someone else in the government is rubbing it on their peepee (authors note: in this instance we actually mean penis).

We aren’t suggesting you withdraw your brief brush with fortune from your bank’s local branch office and then rub paper covered in old peoples faces on your genitals, but as your new financial advisors we would be remiss if we didn’t suggest this as an opportunity to do so. Or I guess you could blow it on the following things we found on Amazon.

Product Number One
Precious Moments Meets Harlequin Romance Novels
Are you reaching the age where all your ash trays are being replaced by boring clown art? Did you just glance over at your Aerosmith poster and consider hanging something like this actual painting from Red Skelton? Could I suggest that instead of collecting piles and piles and piles of clown statues that maybe you invest in something that makes your grandchildren sad?

Festive and Pro-Bono

You should buy these. You should put these on every shelf roughly 3-4 feet off the ground. You should get less visits from your family’s shitty children. You deserve this.

Product Number Two
A Fucking Trash Truck Piñata
Yes. Let me tell you what’s in this based on our own recent weeks.

  • About four-hundred-pounds of colorful paper.
  • A spiral ham chewed on by some kind of garden vagrant.
  • Pumpkins. Both enough and too many.
  • Human hair.
  • Fistfuls of batteries.
  • Fucking so many Amazon boxes you spend some time earlier in the day trying to Google if there is prize money for the most amount of purchases from Amazon made in a year and then disappointingly finding nothing.
  • Christmas cards. From other people. Forever.
  • A specific Lego you will have to desperately try to find later after digging through the above.
  • Broken glass.
  • Dog hair.
  • Dog vomit.
  • Other kinds of hair.
  • Another spiral ham but you’re pretty sure you only ate one.
  • Finally that Lego you were looking for earlier.

You’re gonna want to bring your second string to this A game.
Product Numero This One
Food Props
Have you ever been to a Rooms-To-Go when you were like eight and maybe you got real interested in the food props they use to illustrate that their furniture is Fruit-Loop-Proof? Like, if you were any more interested you might qualify for some of those PP loans? Well EBay has your number. They’ve got a gross looking bright yellow fake bread loaf. They’ve got a whole unconvincing breakfast.
Maybe what you’ve always wanted is a set of grossly plated saltine crackers. Whatever – they’re ten dollars. You literally have $590 left that Uncle Sam tucked into your g-string at the worlds only stay-at-home strip club and you’re the one thinking you’re above purchasing a set of wax cheese cubes? Fucking check your privilege and then check this next deal out:

This Next Deal
Surf Tumbled Horse Teeth
I couldn’t sell a fucking cat bag to save this shitty website. I ended up boxing them up and taking them to my office and acting like maybe it was a Girl Scout program for the disadvantaged.

I still have cat-faced bags that I purchased from a Chinese factory (god rest their poor souls) sitting in my home office and this motherfucker bought a horse, killed it (allegedly), pulled out its teeth, threw them in a fucking at-home rock tumbler, and is hocking them for $12.53 a piece?

The horse-tooth fairy better not be taking in any of those PP loans cause she is fucking rolling in it. Again, we’re talking Paycheck Protection Program loans available from your United States government and not making a joke about a middle aged horse lady in fairy wings who collects horse teeth rolling around in detached desiccated horse penises because that seems like the kind of frivolity that prior years might have had and this year is having none of it.

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