Why Did We Ever Put Faith In Ourselves to Choose What People to Put Faith Into?
As we close out the old new year and look forward to the newest new year, we’re all filled with determine and purpose. Determined to find out what the real problem is, and purposed to scream about it for about 365 days. If this sounds just like 365 days ago, you would be thoroughly correct. As George Santayana once said during a gathering of his fans (who termed themselves Santayanaians or were confused Santana fans):
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Unsurprisingly, most people forgot the first part of Santayana’s quote:
Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual.
Which is understandable given it seems to take a little weird tone at the end there blabbering about inexperienced infant savages. Well lets not not forget the past this time. Lets write down (in the most permanent manner we have: the ever-changing content of the internet) what we experienced this year.
A Quick Run-Down of 2018:
- The U.S. started out with a bang by levying tariffs against China on various metals and washing machines because that shit is important.
- In response, China cloned some monkeys. We learn that crab-eating macaques are small forest monkeys that like to steal asthma inhalers and turn them into vape pens. China also responded with tariffs on U.S. goods like fruits, nuts, wine, pork, soybeans, cars, chemicals, and aircraft. No one is sure how the fuck any of these decisions are made, but they were, so whatever.
- During the summer we took a breather and spoke honestly and directly to North Korea. It didn’t seem to do much, so we made a new secret NAFTA trade deal with our best buds: Canada and Mexico.
- Since North Korea had stopped talking about nuking Hawaii, we threatened Russia that we would build more nuclear missiles.
- Remember that boring trade shit? Trump said China would buy “massive amounts of additional farm/agricultural products”. We hope it wasn’t all the god damn romaine lettuce that keeps making us poop our shoes.
- It was an election year and we realized the only voter fraud happening is that the vote-altering virus that they built back in 2006 is the only intelligence in the entire process.
- Apple became worth a trillion dollars and paid almost nothing in taxes so maybe don’t jump at paying your taxes next year and ask them to do it for you.
- Speaking of taxes, nearly 150 million people have visited a Disney theme park. Disney made almost $60 billion dollars and paid $1.6 billion in taxes, a whopping 2.6% tax rate, so I guess fuck paying to fix collapsing bridges and shit.
- By the end of the year, the U.S. and China had thrown some more tariffs around, China rounded up something like 200 million Muslims in internment camps, and the U.S. had rounded up 12 thousand random children at the border. France is about to have another revolution. Six airplanes crashed. 132 million people will have been born and only about 55 million will have died.
So what did CatBagz do?
Well, we started the year out by doing nothing for about four months, posted some weird crap we’d found on Amazon using an affiliate account that, may we remind you and never forget ourselves, was heartlessly revoked by the tax-avoiding behemoth. We posted about our new merch, then promptly went silent for another 6 months until December. We got into bed with Ebay and we MAY HAVE purchased a haunted doll.
“What” you may ask? “You were just boring me with tax facts. When did this turn into an R. L. Stine young adult horror novel?” That last sentence is when. Actually this whole post is a lot like a horror movie; The first half is boring preamble and then the boobs pop out.
So the thing about Ebay is it is 90% haunted hot garbage. (Bonus Points: We found a comic book with Barack Obama as a black Conan the Barbarian). The other 10% is disturbing shit from your grandmothers house.
So maybe we purchased a haunted doll. Maybe we purchased it as part of a future endeavor involving a GoFundMe that went wrong.
I GUESS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO FIND OUT IN…
2019
THE YEAR OF GENUINE SOIL FROM DRACULA’S CASTLE AND OTHER HAUNTED MISGIVINGS
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