Build Your Wall Smarter Not Harder
It has become increasingly difficult to not join in the conversation about the construction of walls, fences, or just the different choices everyone has in barriers, both figurative and literal and both physical and meta-physical. Everyone is talking about fences. Everyone is talking about walls. No one is talking about eating babies, but today we’re definitely talking proposals.
Today, we’re proposing something we hope gets us in the running as President of these here United States of America in 2020 (or whenever the next election occurs, we’re not picky). We present:
A Pretty Good Proposal
Authored by the Unpaid Staff at CatBagz.com
It is a known thing that a man in possession of taxation must be in want of representation. Call us surprised. It was the okayest of times, now it is the worst of times. The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there and we want to stop them from coming and doing it here. Regardless, the sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new, and other preambles that sounded fantastical at the time but have just become ways to describe the boring dystopia we’ve become.
Washington D.C. is not part of the United States. At best, it can be considered a region under control of the federal government. However, it is technically a federal district and not part of any state, united or otherwise. This makes it a weird little malignant foreign country in the beating heart of America.
This concept started shortly after we declared our independence from England because true freedom is a vacuum that is filled shortly thereafter with whatever meaty sweaty bodies might be nearest. This is likely when we went from the oft-marketed Democracy into the oft-belabored Representative Republic state and lost any autonomy that was earned by our independence.
Its like this:
Imagine the original 13 colonies were a beaten wife. She just finally got rid of her abusive husband (England) by first throwing all his shit (tea) out onto the lawn (harbor) and then beat him with a baseball bat (the Revolutionary War) until he left and we got a divorce (Declaration of Independence).
Well look who just walked in but some smooth talking asshole in a powdered wig and now we’re getting beaten again but this time its with bread (internet) and circuses (shit on the internet) instead of taxation (being charged a fee to fund expenditures rendered by a public governing body) without representation (being able to fucking do anything about it) although there still seems to be plenty of the latter going on as well.
Now our new abusive husband (our corporate-controlled government institution) is hanging out in his man cave (Washington D.C.), turned off the breaker to the house (government shutdown), and keeps screaming to us that we need to build a wall so that strangers can’t come in and clean up the garden that he’s been saying he’ll clean up but never will. Also, he keeps stealing neighborhood children that are sneaking into the yard to get their kick-balls back and storing them in cages in the basement but you’re too damn busy dicking around trying out different types of fencing to handle that problem yet.
Most of your (50) children have dysentery from bad lettuce or lead poisoning and your adopted kid keeps getting blown over by strong winds. For some reason, the wall is what all your husbands friend (the reptilian media) want you to think about right now so lets move onto that.
Now there’s a fucking GoFundMe to build a wall. Several million dollar bills want to build that wall, so lets build a god damn wall.
Making an Appropriate Financial Decision:
This is just basic, old-style, non-common-core math. The border between Mexico and the United States is 1,954 miles. The border between the United States and the Washington D.C. area, as outlined by the Capital Beltway, is 64 miles.
Building a wall around the Washington D.C., given that it already acts like a foreign nation-state, would be 3% the cost of building it across a single border of our country and will do a 100% better job of separating the aggressive incompetency of foreign influence currently occupying the assumed center of the United States federal government. We can use the remaining $11.6 billion dollars to, I don’t know, pay every person in America $35. Or build a wall around Mar-a-Lago.
Where would our new capital be? Lets just use the current capitals in all the states since this country is meant to be a loose group of united assholes and not a conglomeration of rich dicks.
Compare it to the office lottery you have going on. If you’ve been faithfully paying $5 in every week, did you intend that money to eventually be managed and spent by some greasy third party group who has set up office in your copier room, requesting that you come in every 4 years and vote on who is allowed in there to represent your lottery number choices?
No, you fucking expected a billion dollars to fall out one day.
Well guess what motherfucker: If you wall up the copy room, you’re going to win $11.6 billion dollars. How about them apples.