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HUMAN, WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS CABBAGE?

Scooter is Embarrassed Of Your Cabbage Addiction. He Wants to Help, But Can't. It's Hard.

I’m Looking at You and I’m Seeing All This Cabbage and I’m At a Loss

I’m afraid. I know, I know, everyone knows I am a persistent ball of fear. The Lizardmen-Are-Here-To-Take-Us-To-Mars-And-Make-Us-Work-In-Their-Toilet-Mines kind of fear. But this time, I feel pretty justified.

I’m afraid you’ve got yourself a cabbage addiction.

I don’t even know if its a thing. I Googled ‘Cabbage Addiction’ and all I found was a Yahoo! Answers Post and This TLC Show Where a Witch Has Made 5,000 Cabbage Patch Horcruxes. There’s always room for a first, though, and you are it. You are a cabbage addict, you just don’t realize it because you let them all rot away in your fridge before you buy new ones.

It happens every week. A cabbage goes right into that crisper drawer. You know, the one with the broken slider that’s supposed to slide between the words ‘Meat’ and ‘Vegetable’? Well, I guess its eternally set to ‘Cabbage’ now, cause that is all that you put in there.

Then it sits in there for a while. Like weeks. You might go in there, rotate it because you have to get to the celery or cheese or whatever is under it. Then it turns brown. Then it turns mushy.

Before you know it, its black and you make retching noises every time you open the fridge AND YOU STILL LET IT SIT IN THERE FOR ANOTHER WEEK BECAUSE TRASH DAY IS MONDAY AND IT IS ONLY WEDNESDAY AND YOU DON’T WANT YOUR WHOLE APARTMENT TO SMELL LIKE THAT.

This isn’t kimchi. You didn’t lovingly ferment it in some kind of ancient Tupperware handed down by your family. Eventually it makes it to the trash. Maybe you muse to yourself ‘Why do I even buy cabbage if all I’m going to do is throw it away?’

Then, you go buy another cabbage. You are an Organize Produce Hoarder. There are no GMOs in cabbage, because the only worthy modification to cabbage is to be throw right in the trash.

Once a year though, its St. Patrick’s Day, and you make a fantastic Corn Beef and Cabbage. You usually have to go out and buy a new cabbage, because your current cabbage has more fur than I do. Then, you lovingly corn your beef, and you… cabbage your cabbage. It’s pretty good, so I hear.

I’m the one stuck eating wet meat pie out of a tin can, so I can imagine it must taste decadent.

Then its back to hoarding the trash cabbage for the rest of the year. You are a monster.

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