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HAVE YOU SEEN THE EUROZONE’S POLITICAL CLIMATE?

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It’s a disaster. An absolute box-pooping disaster.

I’m of course speaking of Angela Merkel and the Eurozone Crisis, wherein numerous people who are not from there are now there, and that makes the people who are from there, or at least the ones living there, slightly miffed because now there is more people there and it is also scary.

Merkel, pictured here in leather and a perm, is most recognizable as Silvio Berlusconi’s primary love interest in the worlds worst rendition of Romeo and Juliet, wherein Juliet is much, much, older and Romeo only commits political suicide.

Luckily, during a brief press conference I held between an empty can of Fancy Feast and your missing car keys, I established the following economic policies aimed at resolving the financial disaster which is rapidly escalating from ‘Out of Order Dinner Party’ to ‘Tom is Still Sleeping on the Couch and it is Thursday’.

1. Tax Wizards

Seriously, you are concerned about the 1% but haven’t even addressed escalating wizard-wealth? I’m no fan of grandiose displays of muggle-wealth, but surely a room full of anything you can imagine is a bit excessive. It looks like a massive fire hazard. Its like hit shows Hoarders and Sabrina the Teenaged Witch had a weird baby and it grew up to be an obsessive compulsive antique wooden furniture collector. I bet some of that could have gone to some needy families, you know, instead of letting your rotten kids have a massive bonfire.

2. Property Sales

Don’t like Greece? Don’t keep it to yourselves. Apple probably secretly wants to buy it. You know who is probably ripe for the selling? Luxembourg, one of the world’s wee-est countries next to the Vatican and Sealand. In fact, if you package in Slovenia, Slovakia, and Estonia, you could probably turn the Eurozone into a boutique country store, like a Cracker Barrel but instead of peppermint sticks its the lives and homes of several million Slavic people at your fingertips.

3. Stop

Just stop it. Bad. Bad! Look at what you did! Bad person. No. Did this not work? Well now you know why.

4. Become a United States Colony

Oh ho! What a turn of events! Join the United States as we slowly evolve into the Sorta Allied Kinda Angry Group of Territories. Our political debates resemble episodes of Benny Hill and you won’t be burdened with the responsibility of participation. We also support inventive financing methods.

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