October 16, 2021
Cable Service Carla gotta watch her stories from her couch lest she fall to the devil that is modern consumer choice.

What Do You Mean There’s No Reason to Buy Cable Service Anymore

Just the Other Day I Purchased Pay-Per-View But I Did It On the Internet and Watched It Whenever I Pleased

Purchasing cable service to watch streaming media is like shopping from a Service Merchandise catalog to buy Angry Birds.

Let me be the first to inform you that there are literally reasons to have an overpriced intermediary control what you can see and when. Here are some of my faves:

Luckily, Time Warner Cable is here to save yourself from yourself. They’re going to buy Hulu and turn the part off that makes it good, which is something even Orson Welles couldn’t have predicted when he wrote his magnum opus 1984 wherein totalitarian governments purchased people and turned them off from buying the sequel, 1985, which was later turned into a hit song by the band Bowling for Soup. (Editors Note: This sentence is super wrong)

Welles once wrote: I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can’t stop eating peanuts.

How would Mr. Welles feel if he lived to see the day where one can only eat peanuts between the hours of 8 and 9 at night from the comfort of your own home and it was routinely interrupted by pooping unicorns. Also, purchasing or consuming peanuts outside the home or on your own terms is probably illegal.

By the end there, Orson would have probably welcomed streaming food.

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