July 29, 2021
Department of Catland Security TSA Agent Poppy

Department of Catland Security

Your Bag Had Some Questionable Items In It

Alright sir, just a moment. Please sir, just leave your bags where they are. Yes sir, this will only take a moment. SIR, I MUST ASK YOU TO LEAVE YOUR BAGS WHERE THEY ARE.

They are being inspected.

Alright let me just get these zippers here. For future reference, this process would go much faster if you purchased bags with more velcro or if you just traveled a bit lighter. Just a moment… ok and then…. alright… no. Sir, please unzip your bag.

Now stop touching it. Officer Weebles will pat you down now. Go stand over there.

Ok let me just squeeze in here. Skittles, alright I’ll take one of those and here is a granola bar. Quinoa? What kind of monster are you? Tooth brushes, hair brushes, some kind of wiring I’ll chew until its frayed. Are these Beats by Dr. Dre? Can’t have you making any sort of ruckus in the air with your headphone explosives can we?

Hey, this laptop is still warm. I’ll just curl up on this and claw at your passport a bit. Colombia, Argentina, Brazil… these are pretty suspect places. Also, I’m pretty sure when I rubbed up against this teddy bear it felt strangely dense. Looks like we’ve got a Code Manx. Wait. Whats in this bag?

Oh ho ho! One hundred percent grade A California Catmint? Well sir I don’t see anything wrong here. Get a move on. Have a great trip.

Weebles, I’m on break. This job is exhausting.

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