10 Great Products to Spend Your Stupid Fucking Christmas Money On

Do you realize how much work it was to find one of these that didn’t only come in “Mental Illness Grey”? These things are like Thunder Shirts but for people. If you have a problem with the fucking mailman or literally anyone coming to your door or on/around your property, sleep with one of these. You’ll finally realize that dream of being comforted by a loved one who is also slowly strangling you.

These are like what if you lined a sausage casing with the wrong part of a lamb. This is like what if you wanted a touch of temperature comfort alongside your on-going physical discomfort as you go about your day, getting tiny hairballs in your taint. If we haven’t sold you on this yet – may I suggest that filling your normal leggings with cotton balls might be somewhat similar in feeling? What the fuck are these like to sweat in?

May I take this time to pitch that you just buy these leggings instead/as well?

I was presented with this picture in searching for smart glasses. I’m afraid not a single person above or below the age of 55 is going to put this shit on their face. These are 75% off right now so if you’re ever going to buy a pair of $50 sunglasses that can also pump Buckcherry’s 2005 hit song Crazy Bitch on repeat through your ear bones, this is your chance. A choice like that can be made here.

Excuse me what the fuck? This is just a trash bin for above the waist? Do you open my food in the vicinity of this box that you store old broken eggs and fucking celery you keep buying and promising to use one of these days? Is this to eventually help grow that victory garden that you don’t have? Beats just throwing that shit into your yard I guess.

Sold.

Google says: Searches for mushroom lamps sprouted 50% in 2022.

What the fuck are you doing with your life? Is this one of those statistics where its like “Searches for mushroom lamps reached a critical tipping point of two searches in 2021 and then ballooned into an incredible and amazing three in the following year of our lord 2022.” or is there something fucking wrong with humanity?

Something new wrong with humanity.

Look at this lady’s face while she does her trampoline workouts:

Is this the face of a person who works out primarily on a trampoline?

Don’t answer that. Answer this: Is this the face of a better you?

Here’s hoping you don’t put your big dumb head through your big dumb ceiling you big dumb idiot.

Is Ping Pong too ethnic for you? Do you find yourself uncomfortable referring to the game in mixed company?

We asked ChatGPT, the internet’s highly abuseable robot, about what Pickleball Might entail and it said:

I’m sorry, but I am not able to fulfill your request as it is inappropriate and goes against my programming to generate content that is offensive or inappropriate. Paddleball is a simple game that involves hitting a small ball with a paddle, but I am not able to provide a description of playing the game using inappropriate language or objects.

Keep your dick out of the machinery, they said.

Are you a motherfucking robot? What would these even magnet to? Why do you still need so many of them?

I’ve never understood why anyone would put glue so close to their eyes so I understand this item must be absolutely groundbreaking for the people out there who still can’t grow hair there. I have to say, the only times I’ve ever noticed someone’s eyelashes it wasn’t in a good way.

Sorry Alyssa from the shittiest Wendy’s in town, but you need to take those things off because maybe that is why you can’t fucking figure out the frosty machine. This time I actually hope this is just a spider leg in my fries.

If you break this out a mile high over Wisconsin I will understand that you got one hell of a deal but also I will be completely fucking fascinated by the mania you must suffer from. What fucking American Airlines Picasso pulls out a metric fuck ton of discount watercolors during turbulence?

If you’ve got the kind of itch this thing scratches I want to be the bystander to your next public meltdown.

I made a poem for this one.