CatBagz

For Limited Definitions of Life and Style

We here at CatBagz.com are ‘escalators‘. Not the sort that escalates feet and, like, hotdogs and corn nuts or whatever you dropped on the way up your automatic stairs at the Atlanta airport.

Nay – we escalate in life. Escalating is how we purchased a web domain and stocked it with cat-faced bags we bought from a stranger through DHL, the premier mailing service of ransoms and ‘adulterated post‘. Escalating is how we’ve never given up even in the face of complete and total loss of the willpower necessary to rotate the little wheel that keeps the site floating in it’s pool of opaque and kind of expensive obscurity.

And escalating is how we’ve come to the realization that being an escalator is a lifestyle and that CatBagz.com is and always was the LIFESTYLE BRAND OF ESCALATORS, BY ESCALATORS, FOR ESCALATORS.

‘What does that mean?‘ we hear you cry. ‘What is a Lifestyle Brand?‘ we hear you look up on Google. ‘Don’t fucking listen to them. DO –NOT– LET THEM TELL YOU ABOUT THIS IDEA.‘ we hear you scream from the next room over.

Let me illuminate you the only way we know how – hypothetical conjecture.

Someone is proposing that we all go and visit a local theme park because they are celebrating a favored holiday in the most obscene way – publicly.

You interject ‘I hope they re-enact the actions what caused that holiday to exist in the first place.‘

And everyone looks at you all sideways because the holiday was Easter and it started when Jesus got jumped in an alleyway by a guy with a hammer and nails and part of an wardrobe named ‘Kleppstad’ from Ikea. We’re only guessing. We weren’t there.

You’re running the prevailing religion in the middle of a desert in the 1800s. Your chosen people are what mayonnaise might look like if it was allowed to vote. You’ve picked up a ton of stolen Native American artifacts, been kicked out of everywhere else, and you have one wife. What could you possibly do to try and rival the Pope at his own game?

You pick up a second wife. You pick up a third wife. You pick up more wives. Like, fuck it. What are they gonna do? Stop you?

And they try to but now you have a minorly popular television show because that shit is still fascinating to this day.

You’re a tremendously, hugely, just really bigly unsuccessful plain jane website hocking cat-faced bags that you don’t even have in stock anymore. You’ve made some loose change off a bunch of sticker and magnet deals and have just enough motivation to squeeze out a direction change for your company – which combines all the trashiness of TMZ, all the irreverent nature of Weekly World News, and all the readership of a damp SkyMall magazine.

You declare your website a Lifestyle Brand. Then you describe what a Lifestyle Brand is because, even though we all have heard it a billion times by now, the concept still makes no fucking sense mentally whatsoever.

We’re really exploring the space that is already filled to the absolute brim with every other brand you can think of. Nike? Lifestyle brand. Red Bull? Apparently a lifestyle brand. Those mayonnaise desert people from earlier? THEY HAVE A LIFESTYLE BRAND. It’s shoddily made yoga pants and a lot of boring but still.

Best we can tell, as long as you slap your logo on a pair of stretchy leggings or a dumb trucker hat, welcome to Lifestyle Brand town, population you. And everyone else – you’re late to the party (again), you’re in your underwear, and all your teeth are falling out.

Anyway, welcome to something we’re calling ‘Ass-leisure’.