I didn’t think this week was ever going to end. I swear, I was sure this was going to be my purgatory. It was going to be me and an empty bottle of scotch for all eternity.
Like the new Taylor Swift, Rachel Platten, says in her song ‘This Is My Boat Song‘:
I may only have one boat,
but I can make a boat-splosion
Lets give it up to the Republican National Committee for making a bad thing worse
Donald Trump, the presidential candidate for those of us who want to hasten the end, is calling shenanigans after the RNC has effectively rescinded Democracy. Its like watching the varsity team football captain, who just so happens to be a giant ass, get told that, while he did in fact win most of the votes to become prom king, the party has been moved to a secret location and now he isn’t invited. Who is the bad guy here? The guy who is probably going to let corporations hire private armies to patrol a reincarnation of the Berlin wall -OR- an actual conspiracy? Who would you support? Lizardmen or some kind of Hitler/Stalin Hybrid?
You’re out of craps to give. I’m out of craps to give. This whole damn country is out of craps to give.
Zika Virus ‘scarier than initially thought’
On the heels of the announcement that all our sweet sweet Ebola money was being reallocated and that you may soon get condoms in addition to the usual Ebola-covered biscoff when arriving at American airports, it turns out the Zika virus is actually slightly worse than expected. For one, it can be transmitted sexually and not necessarily with mosquitoes, you weirdo. Secondly, it can cause ‘premature birth, eye problems and other neurological conditions’. Now, if I’ve got it right, it originally caused microcephaly, which can basically be described as ‘the rest of your head is pretty well screwed’ so I’m not sure how these 3 new things are much worse than that, but sure, we’ll go with it.
Maybe our new squinty eyes and tiny brains can help us figure out who to vote for in the upcoming elections.
Here’s hoping it’s a skidmark.
ALRIGHT. I’M DONE. GET OUT OF HERE PEOPLE.
A Drunken and Belligerent Cat