Drunk Cat is Drunk, Don’t Give a Flip, Wants His Paycheck and He is Out
Well, this was a week, wasn’t it? Time passed. Things happened. I’ve stuck to my Paleo diet that is based on my own self research of the Paleolithic people. Turns out, they ate nothing but Oreos and drank a mixture of 5 Hour Energy and Four Loko. Sure beats activated almonds.
Lets recap some of our recent news:
- It Was a Mediocre Tuesday at Best – Donald Trump said a few things about his body parts. No words on the status of the rest of the Drumpf lineage. The remaining Republican hopefuls are treating his recent victories as some kind of sequel to Speed, starring a portly Canadian Keanu Reeves. If Trump’s campaign drops below 60 miles per hour, it explodes.
- Progress in a 20th Century Murder Case That We All Kinda Already Solved – Because its 1995, we had some progress on the O.J. Simpson Case. Someone found a knife several years ago and everyone just realized that sharp implements are sometimes involved in violent crime.
- Media Savant Rupert Murdoch Married Some Lady, I Think – Straight up, Rupert Murdoch married a lady with the dudliest name since Stevie Nicks.
- Lead Still Being Used to Solve Michigan Overpopulation Problem – Flint Michigan residents with running water can rejoice, their problem is much better now. When questioned, the researcher made a loud ‘hmm’ noise then pointed to a chart with some bars on it that simply said “much better” and “changed by many percents”.
- Get Out Your Doomsday Clocks, We’re Something Between 2 Minutes and 20 Years to Midnight – North Korea is ready to launch its nuclear weapons. A threat so grave, it is followed with questions like ‘Do they even have any nuclear weapons?’ Fact finders and think tankers conclude that they have between none and 100 nuclear weapons.
- Tired of Having a Financial Crisis, Greece Has a Migrant Crisis – Greece accepted a ton of Syrian refugees. At least, that’s what they think they did.
- This Weeks Drink – Basil Hayden’s Bourbon. I like it how I like my butthair; Neat.