Time For Some Pumpkin Spice Depression
Merry End of Year Theodore. Are you festived out yet?
Yes Ted. A million times yes and if one more phone app sends me a cute year end wrap up I’m going to cry. Festively.
I got a year end wrap up from Bank of America. It says if we don’t have more money by the end of the month, they’re going to take it away.
You’re clearly not treating what little money you have well enough. They’re going to put those Franklins in a proper home where they will be appropriately cared for.
At this point, it’s really more like maybe a Hamilton, a Jefferson, and a couple of Lincolns. I’ve been watering and feeding them regularly and even glancing at them furtively. Like they’ll up and start sprouting Washingtons any day now.
Bank of America is sending them to the farm. Which, at this time of year and given that this is a modern American banking institution, is probably someone elses butthole.
What isn’t someone elses butthole these days, Theodore?
This blog post, which is actually about Year End Wrap Ups, and if we don’t get back to it we’re never getting out of this responsibility.
Spotify Wrapped
This brightly bedazzled son of a bitch told me I’d listened to Afrofuturism.
Indeed. It called you an astronaut for adventuring into a total of 5 genres.
I was informed that I started the day with Angst Feel Good Upbeat, then moved on into Amped Relaxing Angst.
Can Spotify prescribe medicine for that?
Then, after insulting me about just how fucking long I used it, they gave me my personality test results.
Were you a Rory from Gilmore Girls? Or like maybe a grapefruit? You always hit me as a Johnnie Walker Obsessive-Compulsive Label.
It says I have Familiarity, Loyalty, Timelessness, Uniqueness (FTLU) and that I only like playing music that I like.
Fucking. Shocking.
Reddit Recap
Reddit is experiencing some kind of mental break. I’m on watch just by looking at it.
There certainly isn’t much of a theme to the display. First its all bananas, then its talking about space travel, then it just goes right for the jugular.
Naturally I have to scan this across all of my dozens of accounts because I am a faithless social media wraith, never letting it know any one true self.
Your top post was just one of your own, where you were hocking the fabulous My Mother Lives in a Forest and Eats Babies for a Living. Which, as I said, is fabulous but also a little self serving don’t you think?
My top comment was attached to my best selling sticker Inflation is Transitory, Batboy is Forever.
Is Reddit suggesting that you only consume your own content — interacting with yourself all day?
I’m pretty sure most of people on Reddit “interact with themselves all day“. Also the end where it diagnoses you with an illness? It froze my phone.
It says I have a Miniature Affliction, Passion Project, and Infinite Dreams. This makes me sound like I need a padded cell. Or that I’m breathing to death.
In summary I guess it both knows you need to stop and can make it happen for you.
Google’s Year in Search 2022
This isn’t so much a recap for any one of us.
It is a recap for us all. And us all looked up some weird stuff in 2022 according to Google’s intensely personally invasive search records.
Queen Elizabeth featured regularly throughout all of it.
She dead.
One of the most prominent questions was ‘How to Pronounce Puzzle’.
What the fuck? How did they think puzzle should be pronounced?
But here is the fun part.
The fun part isn’t all the dead people who didn’t know how to say puzzle?
The fun part is the most searched ‘Cultural Location‘ was Skinwalker Ranch, Utah.
The place with all the aliens, ghosts, and skinwalkers?
Yes.
Not Skywalker Ranch, right?
No, it has skin on it. There is skin in this game.
Did people in Utah finally get the internet?
I guess there is a new show about it. Also one of the most popular recipes was ‘Jennifer Anniston Salad‘.
Is that Jennifer Aniston ethically sourced?
CatBagz.com Year End Wrap Up – 2022
First of all, lets get right to the products that you should know about if you didn’t already see them.
The most selling sticker was the aforementioned ‘Inflation is Transitory, Batboy is Forever‘.
It was also our most profitable product. Our largest offering is now the ‘Big Fat Cat Leggings‘ introduced by our new ‘CatBagz as a Lifestyle Brand‘.
All in all, 2022 was a banner year for CatBagz.com.
We managed to make more than no dollars.
And we have you to thank. Maybe.
Are you the person who bought a hat that says ‘Jacked to the Tits‘?
If so, thank you?
Yes, thank you to the people who make this all worthwhile.
People who are jacked to their aforementioned tits.
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