Also Featuring: Which One of These Motherfuckers is Jason Derulo?
Its been a while and there still aren’t a lot of reasons to write killer ballads about our home-bound bullshit — so we’re going back in time and acting like the fucking apocalypse didn’t happen. So far, it seems like Taylor Swift’s music printing machine continued totally unimpeded while Pitbull hasn’t been seen since he took over some kind of digital internet business and launched himself into space.
Lets get to the meat and potatoes of this lyrical analysis: severe pedantry.
When I’m away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sikth street
-Ed Sheeran, “Photograph“
You didn’t hear it wrong. He fucking says sikth, dude. He said it, he said it, and every time he says it and you hear it your brain has a fucking aneurysm.
By now there is no going back. The song as-is has been committed to the Congressional Record — along with large portions of Reddit’s WallStreetBets posts from usernames like DeepFuckingValue and POTATO_IN_MY_ASS AND some of Joe Rogan’s fucking podcast which feels like the 420 kid from high school got a radio job but otherwise never fucking changed.
If Ed Sheeran wanted to change this lyric – even if he simply recorded himself screaming the word SIXTH or just changed the lyric to an easier to pronounce phrase like ‘Under the lamppost back where I watched feet‘ – he would have already done it. But he didn’t.
He didn’t because he fucking knows he is hurting you and you just keep rolling with it like ‘oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD HERE IT COMES‘
You’ve been running round runnin’ round
throwing that turtle on my knee
-Charlie Puth, “Attention“
I’m not sure why a guy named Charlie Puth didn’t adopt a band name or at least come up with a stage name, instead of presenting himself with a name like the kid from Willy Wonka.
Either way, the actual phraseology of this song, which appears to be about maybe a lust he has for a particularly negative Twitter follower, goes as follows:
You’ve been runnin’ round, runnin’ round, runnin’ round
throwing that dirt all on my name
Overall a very minor disagreement on whether or not you got his new pants all turtle-dirty or if you’ve been kind of an asshole about his name. The fact remains that I just did throw dirt on his name. I just did like a paragraph ago. Its a bad name, dude.
Is this fucking music court, Charlie? Are you taking me to Music Court because I threw shade at your fucking name? Was I running around? No – I’m fucking staying put because of rampant lung death so I guess you could say I was grumpily commenting to myself under my breath cause your name is stupid. Next lyrics.
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it these dancing shoes?
–Bruno Mars, “Marry You”
Now you could have fooled us on this one. You just read the above and thought “Yes, those are the lyrics. I mean, you dance in shoes, so what else could he possible rhyme with ‘marry you’ than a stretch like ‘dancing shoes’? This boiled goose? Oh no there’s a murderer loose? Ridiculous.“
Well the real lyrics are:
Is it the look in your eyes
Or is it this dancing juice?
Oh right, the dancing juice made you marry that lady. Is this a cult? Are you dancing to the music or is this a prelude to rigor mortis? Who cares, baby, I think I’m going to bury you.
Now for your Added Feature:
We just heard Jason Derulo’s new single “I Am Jason Derulo” by Jason Derulo. Included are such lyrics as:
“Jason Derulo, oh!”
or maybe was it
“Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da
Da-da-da-da-da-da (Jason Derulo)”
Or maybe it was the one that just started out:
“Jason Derulo”
Anyway, we wanted to pose to you an important question:
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