Get Your Shirt On, Then Get Your Other Shit On Cause Here Comes Spring, You Greasy Butter Goblins.
Here it is, the first part of this fine new year. You’ve either got your shorts on because it is unseasonably warm or because it isn’t the northern hemisphere or because you’re just like that and also fuck it. One of these days it is supposed to get cold but maybe experiencing less than fifty degrees has become a fairy tale like Baba Yaga or reasonable discourse.
But, whatever the reason, the heat ain’t your thing, you stand here post-Holiday Season, hating the Spring. And there’s no way to stop it from coming, regardless of how much shit you steal from peoples houses to throw off a mountain.
Spring has long been reviled as the worst season. It promotes a mix of heat and cold like you might get when you catch a wave of Covid, where your skin is covered in cold sweat but you’re rolling around naked in the freezer anyway. Every plant in your environment is literally squirting its terrible flower semen on you and your car. Everything feels damp, soulless, and awful.
To help prepare for the absolute worst, here is a field guide to Spring from yours truly – an internet website:
1 — The Bullshit Holidays of Spring
First lets start by getting ready to purchase some shit for the people in your fucking life. While the initial holiday within Spring is April Fools Day, a cruel situation, the main game here is Easter. It is effectively Baby Christmas, with its tradition and the whole Jesus angle. Even though we just celebrated that assholes birth three months prior, we get to celebrate his death.
You’re going to want to focus on buying stuff that is sorta white and green and light blue – like you would do for a pregnancy that you don’t really know the gender of the coming embryo, but you know they’re going to need some basic-ass onesies cause that thing is going to shit so much. You’ll need a lot of rabbit based crap and some hay or whatever.
Warning: If you have children – fucking leaving town now. Otherwise you will be stuffing eggs with chocolate and then making actual eggs and then you’ll end up leaving some in your house to hopefully find later. Jesus was a real asshole when it came to his funeral, dude.
Anyway, you have some other bullshit like Arbor Day or Mother’s Day so you’ll want to keep a look out for purchasing trees or a corsage for your mom. Spring is like, you just finished going deep into debt for Christmas, here is a reminder that you didn’t fucking plan your budget right — now go buy a lot of fucking Hallmark cards.
2 — FUCKING CINCO DE MAYO
FUCKING YES! FUCK! Cinco De Mayo is rated second ONLY to Halloween. Like Halloween, no one expects you to actively celebrate this shit. If you feel ill or you just don’t want to, then you just call it the Fifth of May and move on with your day. Unlike Halloween, however, there isn’t a reason to dress up or decorate your house and worship the devil but, like, make the day your own, man.
But if you have the cojones to fucking drink a pile of Modelo and eat like shit then brother, you got yourself a holiday. This is the only good day between March and June, so make the most of it.
No cards. No gifts. No brakes. All gas.
3 — Tip Number Three is Don’t Leave Your God Damn House
Look at this thing. By the time you are heaving through the bowels of the Spring season, it is fully erect and just wafting its yellowed, sooty procreative juices all over your Honda.
Skeet Skeet. Goddamn, fucking put it away already.
Just don’t fucking go outside. This shit will give you the plant-based STD hives. Not to even mention what Oaks do — they’re practically just dropping their rock hard balls all over your Civic. The entire natural order of things is tea-bagging your every move, trying to get you pregnant with a fucking tree baby.
4 — The Weather
It fucking sucks with rain and sunlight.
Anyway, stay safe out there and make sure you wear your galoshes.
JESUS CHRIST GOD DAMNIT WHAT THE FUCK?
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