No One Expects The Panamanian Inquisition
Ted, my boy, do you know what the best thing about Panama is?
Is it the beautiful mountain vistas?
No.
Is it that the Panama Canal enabled faster boat travel between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans?
No.
Is it the amazing audio visual display of the music video that truly captured the frenzied fever dream that was the 80s?
Sorta. The best thing is that, for a small fee, you can apparently hide tractor trailers of cash in their mountains.
But Theodore, isn’t that tax evasion?
Yes.
Who would do such a thing?
Well, everyone probably, if given the choice. Specifically, people like Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Davíð Gunnlaugsson, Vladimir Putin’s childhood friends and former judo partners Arkady and Boris Rotenberg, martial arts film star Jackie Chan, chess champ and roaring anti-semite Bobby Fischer, and Stanley Kubrick.
What is the connection these people share? This seems to be a list of random people who may or may not be famous.
Yes. It is a Who’s Who of complete strangers that may as well be a list of people who accidentally clicked on a website banner ad.
Would the list of people not shoveling cash into Panama be shorter?
Maybe. They’re coming out with new names every day. The weird part is, none of them are distinctly interesting people. Its like someone found the invitation sheet for an Illuminati gala. The door prize is a mountain of Nazi gold hidden in Peru.
What sort of punishment are these people looking at?
Well, first there is some severe public admonishment, mostly via Twitter and social media. Then, it is their responsibility to feel bad. They are publicly told to feel guilt and, being the good lizard robots they are, they say things like ‘Sorry’ and ‘You hurt my heart.’ Then we forget about most of it because of the Olympics.
How does the common man get in on this?
They are working on a peer-to-peer social media driven app called Panamania. It puts of lists of places to hide your money and you swipe left or right to put money into it. Things like old dirty mattresses in Sudan, caves in Uganda, a banana stand in Costa Rica, or a nondescript bag hanging from the rafter of an old house in Chile.
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