Sam the Cat Bag has the big, beautiful eyes of a world-wandering cryptid. He might be behind you right now and you'd never know. As soon as you look, he becomes impossible to perceive. Because the Earth is fake. Loves skritches and hates loud noises.
Ol' skeptical Oliver the Cat Bag. Doesn't believe you, the mailman, the government, or reality in general. Single and ready to mingle (but unlikely due to severe trust issues).
The modern world has so many choices of things like cereal or bread but you still only get a single choice for what planet you get to live on and I hate this one.
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