Jesus Christ God Damn
Do you remember what year it is?
Remember those halcyon days where drinking on the job was just a jovial way to pass the time and not something someone had to do alone in their home office? Do you remember lunch? What about dreams? Not dreams like growing up to be an Astronaut or whatever. I’m talking about the real ones – where you’d wake up in a cold sweat after thinking you’d fallen down the stairs or pulled your teeth off like a zipper. Those were fun.
It used to be that everyone wanted to go back in time to when they were teenagers having the time of their life. It used to be that they wanted to go back in time to reverse wrongs and undo mistakes. Now everyone would just buy fucking cryptocurrency. Or worse.
What about when you could buy things on the internet without having to install a dozen browser apps that gave you coupons and money back, put it all on a card that gave you meaningless points, and order $500 worth of fucking fidget spinners just to get free shipping.
We no longer want to go back in time to relive the glory days. We want to go back and not have to hustle our fucking afternoons on multi-level marketing pork rinds or thinking about planning for growth in the next step in our god awful lives.
Can you even remember what year it is? Or what year is next? Is it 2023? Is it 2020? There’s two entire fucking years in between those two that it might also be and I’m going to bet all you could say was ‘Nah, couldn’t be.’ Right? Well what fucking year is it then?
I dub this year the word ‘Suck’. This is the year of Suck A.D. and I have just as much authority to redo the entire fucking calendar system as the Pope or whatever the fuck made the original. Best of all? We’re almost to next year, and I’m saying next year is just the emoji for an ass: (‿ˠ‿)
So while you all are fucking knee deep in your Starburst Jello and Fanta Pudding and fucking voting I guess, I’ll just be over here dressed as a fucking Gregorian monk figuring out the names of the next ten-thousand years.
Best of all? I’m doing it pro-fucking-bono.
Merry Christmas you filthy animals.
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